


A Picture of Us

by aswiftlytiltinguniverse



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Amateur Filmmaker Rey, Amateur Photographer Reader, Amateur composer Poe, Chewbacca is a Dog, Eventual Smut, F/M, Female Reader, Finn is a confused bro, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Kylo Ren feels, Kylo gets handsy, Kylo is Intense, Parents Han Solo and Leia Organa, Poe Is a Good Bro, Rey is the best bro, Slow Burn Romance, Star Wars Alternate Universe-College, Summer Vacation, Twin!Ben Solo, Twin!Kylo Ren, Unrequited Love, When is Kylo not intense, camping trip, definite cheating, twin!reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2018-12-10 00:37:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 38,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11680365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aswiftlytiltinguniverse/pseuds/aswiftlytiltinguniverse
Summary: Your best friend ditches you for the summer to go work at his Uncle's summer camp with your estranged twin sister. So what do you do? Invite his brother, who also happens to be your sister's boyfriend, to share a tent with you on an up-coming camping trip. You've changed, he's changed, nothing can go wrong...right? Good thing Rey's there to get it all on film while Finn and Poe provide commentary.





	1. Home

You stared up at your parents' house with open dread. Freshman year had done wonders for setting your self-confidence. It was at a healthy level and you were totally happy with where you were in life. But Summer Break was finally here and there were no classes you could take that would work to your advantage aside from distracting you from the inevitable. Your sister, Lila. Ugh.

Instead, you looked up at the greyish monstrosity of a house with it's white-washed accents and blood red shudders and door. Had it been painted recently? You held your polaroid camera-a gift from Rey-up and snapped a quick picture. She was working on some project only she knew about and had demanded as many pictures as possible from you. But that was Rey; seeing things and feeling things differently was her forte.

You shook the picture out in the open air, feeling eyes on you and turned to find a familiar face with a familiarly neutral expression plastered upon it standing on the walkway leading up to the house next door. They were facing you. Your eyes ran the length of him quickly. He looked the same in so many ways, yet so different. "Hey, Kylo."

You didn't wait for a reply. There was no point. Kylo pretty much ignored your existence. In fact, you were certain he only knew you occupied space nearby simply because he'd been dating your sister for the past two years. Your lip almost curled up in a sneer at that. God, that made him almost worse than her in your book.

"How'd you know it was me?"

Not expecting the question as you snapped yet another picture of the house, you jumped slightly, causing the angle to skew. You hissed in annoyance, but looked over at him as you pulled the second polaroid out and shook it. You shrugged flippantly and pointed an index finger at his face. "You have a freckle, just there, that Ben doesn't have."

His dark eyebrows shot up at your response and he shoved both hands in the pocket of his jeans.

You shoved open your bulky handbag and stuffed the camera and pictures inside. "How is he, by the way? You two and Lila all go to the same university, right?"

"Yes. He's fine."

You nodded, a painful knot forming in your chest. You may have hated Kylo Ren Solo, but you had absolutely loved his twin brother, Ben. It was painfully unrequited though, because there had been no way in hell you were going to ever tell him that. Besides, he'd never even hinted at anything more than friendship. And at the time, your self-worth had been in the absolute shitter. There would have been no way you would have been in any shape to deal with the glory that was Ben Solo during your Senior year of high school. And now, you were older and-you hoped-wiser. Your romantic feelings for Ben were a thing of the past.

Absently, you realized you hadn't asked Kylo how he was-which was rude-and you hastened to right your blunder. "So, how's it going?"

"Mind-numbingly boring." His expression was as flat as ever, but you could hear the sincerity and sense the dread lurking beneath the stoic surface. Kylo Ren didn't want to be home anymore than you did. Feeling a sudden sort of awkward kinship flair up between the two of you, you let your eyes run his form one more time. You weren't sure what you were looking for or even why you would look in the first place, but whatever it was you were trying to find, you found it. Tapping the toe of your right boot against the uneven concrete of the front walkway, you twisted halfway around to look at him.

"Poe's having a party tonight," you blurted, almost stupidly you felt, but your voice was muted and not at all unsure. "Kind of a reunion type thing for anyone back in town for the summer. You should come."

"I didn't know you were friends with Dameron."

You gave a one shoulder shrug. "We go to the same school. Have all the same friends."

Poe Dameron and Kylo Ren had not been good friends back in high school. In fact, they'd pretty much hated each other, but Poe wasn't the type to hold grudges or refuse to believe people could change. And something was different about Kylo Ren. You just couldn't put your finger on it, but you had to believe you weren't the only one who was going to notice. Rey definitely would.

"Rey and Finn?"

"Yeah." The conversation was beginning to linger uncomfortably. "The four of us kind of hang out non-stop. What about you?"

"What about me?" There was now an edge to his voice and you could only flounder uncomfortably as he stared at you. It seemed like he was taking pity on you when he finally answered, his voice less hard. "I do my work. I go to class. I spend time with Lila and Ben."

That was...incredibly sad. Your brow furrowed in thought. You skyped with Ben once or twice a month (sometimes even more) and you mentally catalogued every conversation the two of you had had, which wasn't hard because no matter how much you tried to get over him, old habits died hard and you still somehow managed to hang on his every word. Maybe it made you a better friend, that you remembered things he said? But you could remember instances where you'd laughed and joked with Ben while Kylo sat hunched over his desk in the background, one hand clenching painfully in his hair at the temple of his head. Sometimes, it would clench tighter when the two of you got too loud and you remembered having lowered your voice to better accommodate him. It was him room, too, after all.

"So, that's still going on? Cool." It wasn't cool, but you didn't really care. You and Lila may have been twins, but you were far from similar. Lila had never been anything but terrible to you since you were old enough to remember and while it had been baffling at first, now it was just par for the course. The status quo at high school hadn't helped either. With the blonde hair and green eyes and long eyelashes and bigger than big boobs, Lila was a high school boys' wet dream. Literally, you'd heard boys in passing talk about what they'd do to her body if given the chance. But she'd been dating Kylo since junior year and so, not only did you get to hear about random boys wanting to fuck your sister, you sometimes actually got to walk in on someone fucking your sister when you went to one of the house parties Poe threw. Ben had always laughed and pointed at the greenish tint to your face when that happened.

Kylo raised one dark eyebrow. "You don't talk to your sister?"

"Why the hell would I talk to her," you asked automatically. "She cut my hair off in my sleep in sixth grade. I had to have that terrible bowl cut you always made fun of because of her."

Kylo openly scowled at you now, but you didn't care. He'd always been a pissy little shit. You swung your gaze back around to the house. "I'm sure you'll see her before I do, anyway, so-"

"She and Ben are volunteering at that camp my Uncle runs. Again."

That brought your attention back to him again. "Seriously? Ben didn't tell me about that." You mumbled the last part, but shook the disappointment from yourself. It was hard to do considering you planned on asking Ben to be your plus one on the two month long camping excursion you'd been invited to. Technically, it wasn't two solid months of camping, but you were going to go camping a few times while you were out by the lake. Everyone was going to be so disappointed when you told them. Especially, Rey. She loved Ben. You let out a little huff. "That's so stupid. I thought he'd at least stick around for a couple weeks before he went off...wherever. You know, now that he has a girlfriend or whatever."

The look Kylo gave you was stifling but you were still used to that. Kylo had always been unnecessarily intense. It was just the kind of guy he was and being forced to endure his presence for years on end had made it something you could tolerate with ease. "Oh, so he told you about that?"

Too consumed with trying to figure out if there was anyone else you could invite as you mentally catalogued your list of friends, you gave another half-hearted shrug. "In passing. He was kind of secretive about it. Well, I guess I should be happy. At least this means I won't have to put up with Lila."

You cut your eyes back over to him. You weren't the least bit apologetic, but...manners. "Sorry, I know she's your girlfriend..."

Kylo's lanky frame jerked minutely as he let out a scoff that was neither amused nor angry. Not really sure why you did it, your mind began to comb through memories of all your encounters with Lila and Kylo as a couple and you found them...lacking. It had always been Lila who initiated contact or relayed affection and while he had always reciprocated, it had always seemed like he was somewhere else other than by your sister's side. Emotionally, anyway. Even when he'd had his tongue halfway down her throat.

"You should go to the party." The intensity of his dark gaze was finally beginning to be too much and you hauled your purse further up on your shoulder. Offering an invite didn't seem to help. The dark gleam of his eyes was almost searing as he watched you. "I mean, what else is there to do in this shithole?"

You didn't wait for a reply as you turned back to your house and stomped in its direction. "Later, Ren."

* * *

You and Rey had arrived at Poe's two hours ahead of schedule to help set up. Finn and Poe were in the back yard arguing about some class that didn't even matter anymore as they lit up the tiki torches and set up the fire pit. You both could hear them through the back door. It was starting to get a bit heated, but the fire in their voices was playful and you and Rey smirked to one another as you both filled a large bowl with punch that you were so generously spiking. You weren't going to get too wasted. You didn't want to have to try to sneak into your house tonight. Poe had offered one of the upstairs bedrooms to you, but the parties he threw always lasted for hours on end and you didn't think you'd be able to sleep through that.

"You asked Ben about the trip, right," Rey asked and your good mood deflated only a little bit. You frowned as you stacked the red plastic cups next to the giant bowl and side-eyed her. "Ben's gonna be at his Uncle Luke's youth camp volunteering with Lila."

The brunette let out a small whine of disappointment and frowned. "Well, that sucks. For him, too. I mean, he's got to put up with Lila."

There was a beat of silence and her next question caused you to wince internally. "Did you at least ask him if he was coming here tonight?"

You scratched at the back of your neck and grimaced as you talked to her. "I ran into Kylo when I got to my parents' house. He told me."

Sensing you had more to say, she turned fully toward you and pinned you with a look. You crossed your arms over your chest and rocked back on your heels as you looked anywhere but at her. Rey was a sweetheart, but she could be just as intimidating as Kylo when she wanted to be and she knew someone was hiding something that was going to upset everyone else. This would definitely upset everyone else. "I may have kind of...invited him. To the party. Here."

"You _didn't_ ," she hissed and you were immediately defensive. She didn't look that mad. In fact, she looked almost intrigued. _**No.**_ Rey and intrigue were a bad combo. You scowled at her. "What? I felt bad for him! My whorish sister isn't going to be here all summer to keep him occupied and I just... _He wouldn't stop staring at me!"_   You may have sounded childish even to your own ears, but the last part was true. You had kind of panicked yourself into inviting him.

"Do you think he'll come," Rey looked so curious and almost excited. Yes, this was bad. So very bad. You weren't sure why yet, but it was just bad news all around. All you could do was stand there and shake your head in confused wonder at her bizarre-world reaction.

"Who's coming?" Finn popped up right behind Rey, tossing a pretzel in his mouth. He crunched into it extra loud and you groaned as you rubbed a hand down your face while the two just stared at you. You shook your head back and forth as you stared at the pair, mainly Rey. Finn's attention diverted from you toward the den, just a few feet from where you were standing by the island counter inside the kitchen and he tossed out an enthused wave. "Sup, Ben! How's it going?"

Oh... _fuck_. The nearly manic smile on Rey's face grew and she shoved half way around you to get a peek at her old high school classmate. "Ben!"

"That's Kylo, not Ben," you said, not even realizing you were speaking as you did so. But the difference between the pair was glaringly obvious to you and always had been. Nobody did brooding teenage angst quite the way Kylo Ren did. The way he was sprawled out in that armchair in Poe's den oozed apathy. Plus, there was the whole freckle thing.

"Ky-Kylo," Finn, asked weakly, while Rey rallied herself for another greeting, trying to be even more friendly than necessary. Kylo glared at her as she said 'hello' and called him by his given name before he shifted his dark gaze to you and just stared. It sucked the air from your lungs when he did it, which was new. It was just as intense as before and your head was starting to feel fuzzy with it.

"I need more pretzels," Finn said to no one in particular and disappeared immediately. Rey excused herself to go finish the punch and your stomach dropped into your well worn black and white Chuck Taylors as you drew in a shaky breath. They were forcing you to play the part of friendly hostess. There was no way in hell you would ever subject Poe to this. He was such a sweetheart and that would be nothing but a dick move on your part.

You flopped down on the end of the couch closest to him and let the tense silence that always accompanied him begin to smother you. You settled for absently running your fingers through your hair. But then he surprised you by speaking. "I never saw you at one of these parties back in high school."

You shrugged. You did that a lot now when it came to him. "I was kind of a wallflower and the more time away from Lila, the better. But I went to a few."

"Poe's were the only ones worth going to. The others...you didn't miss much."

"Then why are you here now?"

It was his turn to shrug and fiddle absently with his hair. "Didn't have anything better to do."

You weren't sure where all this sympathy was coming from today, but it was seriously going to dig you into an early grave. Maybe that was why you hadn't just rolled your eyes at him and retreated into the kitchen. Instead, Rey reappeared, thrusting a red cup into your hands and you looked down at the bright pinkish-red liquid it held. You looked up to find her handing one to Kylo, who took it from her without a word or even a glare and you watched as his long, slender fingers slid around the red plastic. His dark eyes were on you then and you came to the realization you'd been staring. You swung your gaze back forward and without preamble, began to chug your beverage in earnest, aware of his eyes on you the entire time. It was disconcerting, the way he was always studying you. It had always been bothersome growing up, but now that feeling was magnified for some reason and you weren't sure why.

He glanced down into his cup and then started to drink as well. You both went through two cups by the time people started trickling in, waving and enthusiastically greeting yourself and Kylo. But they kept calling him 'Ben', which was embarrassing-to you, anyway-but it surprised you how he didn't correct anyone or even acknowledge them. He just kept drinking out of his red Solo cup. You snorted out a laugh and his attention was immediately drawn to you. "What?"

You should be mortified by the fact that you couldn't stop laughing, but the alcohol had done wonders for your ability to keep your mouth and your brain in check. "You're drinking from a Solo cup."

At this, he gave you one of his looks. "You're an idiot."

That did nothing to temper your laughing. He'd called you worse. "I'm drunk."

"Really," he asked drily and he clearly didn't expect an answer. That just made you giggle more as you rose onto unsteady feet. "M'gonna get some air."

You didn't wait for a reply and you didn't look back as you weaved your way through the crowd and out the back of the house and into the yard. Poe and Finn were standing next to the fire pit, both brandishing a beer can. Poe gave you a dazzling smile. "There she is!"

You tumbled into his side as he gave you a one-armed hug and rubbed his hand up and down your arm. "Get tired of babysitting finally?"

You couldn't bother to think up a diplomatic response to that, unsure of why you were so uncomfortable with the idea of making a crack at Kylo's expense, and so you simply shrugged against him and slowly pulled away in order to keep your balance. Poe's eyes crinkled in buzzed amusement and you tipped your cup up to your lips.

"When's Ben getting here? Everyone's asking for him."

You rolled your eyes and ignored the surprised look you were given in return. "He's already at his Uncle Luke's."

"Seriously," Poe asked rhetorically. He shook his head. "Guess it's just gonna be you and me third-wheeling this summer."

You let out a non-committal hum and dropped your gaze to the fire pit. You could hear Finn and Rey laughing not far off and furrowed your brow. "Do you think that's actually gonna happen?"

Poe shrugged and looked at you. "The four of us alone for two months. Anything can happen."

You just nodded. Finn had been harboring a crush on Rey for years and everyone knew about it but her. You hoped he'd finally say something. He probably wouldn't, but you could hope. They'd be cute together, but you'd never been quite sure if Rey was interested in that way. She was adept at reading others like the pages of a book, but getting a read on her was impossible.

"I need to sit." You didn't realize you did until you'd actually said it and Poe barked out a laugh at your surprised expression as he gestured off toward the hammock that was strung up between two trees near the back of the property. There were a couple strings of twinkle lights strung up through out the branches. You regarded it in absent awe. "Pretty."

Poe was still laughing as you stumbled away from him and dropped yourself into the hammock, squealing as it swung with your weight and laughing as the world spun. It should have made you sick, but you simply closed your eyes until the swaying stopped and then focused on the lights. However, when you opened your eyes, there was a familiar dark figure looming over you. "Move over."

But you couldn't move and it wasn't just because you were surprised by his sudden appearance. He shoved you over with large, cold hands and in your alcohol-addled mind, you imagined his touch to be far gentler than expected, but you were still stuck on him being there. Kylo dropped into the hammock beside you, jostling you into his side and you brought your hand up to rest along his ribs to keep from pressing into him further.

He was too busy lighting a cigarette to care where your hand was, which was weird because you were pretty sure he hated having people touch him. He didn't say anything, though and you let your empty Solo cup fall against your waist, your body sinking further into the hammock.

"You really are drunk."

You huffed out a laugh, but didn't say anything, didn't even care that he was staring at you the way he was. It was empty and dispassionate and it usually set your teeth on edge. You'd wondered often if it made his parents as uncomfortable as it made everyone else. Kylo sat forward with his elbows on his knees as he studied the lit end of his cigarette while you stared up at the twinkle lights. This silence wasn't tense or uncomfortable to you. That was because of the alcohol. But Kylo made sure to ruin it.

"Ben and Lila are fucking."

It took moments for you to process, but it took infinitely longer for you to respond. Fisting your hand in his tee-shirt, you used it to pull yourself up. "The fuck? I think I just hallucinated. Did you say what I think you said?"

He didn't look at you as he flicked the ash from his cigarette. "They've been fucking since the start of spring semester."

"Christ-What? No, that-" But you were speechless. What did you say to a guy whose girlfriend was cheating on him with his twin brother? "Are you sure? I mean, how do you know-"

" _I know_." You didn't doubt him in that moment. If Kylo said he knew, that meant he knew. Kylo may have been an ass on his best day, but he was a perceptive ass. You leaned forward beside him and covered your face with your hands. "I don't even know what to say. Except that my sister's a slut."

"Yeah." Kylo flicked the rest of the cigarette away and you picked at the frayed tear at the knee of your jeans. The painful silence that grew between you began to lengthen and intensify and you would later blame that and the alcohol on your immediate lapse of judgment and subsequent word-vomit.

"You should come camping with us this summer." His eyes were on you in an instant and you could feel the shock radiating off him, but you ignored it in favor of staring straight ahead as you began to babble. "Poe's parents have a cabin up by the lake and he invited Rey, Finn, and I to go along. They told me to invite Ben, but I never got around to it because I didn't think he'd wanna go since he had a girlfriend and all, but now that I know it's Lila and they're both being massive Shitlords to you, I think you should come. I know staying in a cabin means it's not really camping, but we will actually be camping out in nature some and we've got all the supplies lined up. You'd just have to come."

He was still staring at you and you could feel the blood rising in your cheeks, so you just kept talking. "I know you don't really like us that much, but it's better than being stuck here in this crappy little town. And yeah, Finn's still kind of afraid of you for that shit you pulled freshman year, but he'll get over it and Poe was totally cool with you showing up tonight. And Rey's-well, she's Rey, and I..." You blinked rapidly and sucked in a large breath, turning to look at him. Again, he was staring at you and again, there was something different about it. It was making you nervous. "You need to come with us. It'll be fun and you can forget all about it for a while."

This was the point where Kylo Ren would fly off the handle and start accusing you of pitying him. It was the point where he'd cause a massive scene and start yelling at you and throwing things (even though there wasn't really anything around for him to throw) and call you every name that came into his twisted mind. You even braced yourself for it. Being nice to Kylo Ren never ended well for anyone, least of all you, but he'd been full of surprises up until this point and it appeared he had one left in him.

"Fine."

"Really?" Why did you sound so hopeful? You were really beginning to doubt how smart you truly were. His lip curled up in a momentary snarl. "I just said I would, didn't I?"

"Cool," you breathed out and Kylo made some sort of exasperated noise deep in his throat as he jerked his head to look away from you. Kylo wasn't big on feelings and never had been. You got that. You were kind of the same way since everything had always revolved around your sister and you'd just been naturally more independent. While your parents had had to practically coax Lila into doing school work, chores, or basically anything they needed her to do, you'd just always done things on your own. They'd babied her as if she were the fragile younger twin while you had simply existed in the background, living your life the way you assumed it was supposed to be lived. As a result, you grown up with an almost reserved, introverted personality, preferring solitude and studying to pep rallies and house parties. And from what you could remember, Kylo, whose room and window had faced yours across your neighboring properties, had been much the same. How often had you been pulled from your studies by the soft sound of music wafting through his open window and into you own? Sometimes, when you looked, he'd been doing homework of his own.

It was strange, remembering things like that. Remembering how innocuously he'd insinuated himself into your life. Almost as if he were an old friend that you'd bonded with in early childhood. Maybe he was. You weren't quite sure with the way the alcohol had muddle everything up.

But Kylo Ren, ever silent, didn't move from your side for the rest of the night.


	2. The Lakehouse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your summer camping trip has finally kicked off and Kylo's not quite what you expected.

Not even home twenty-four hours and your parents already had you doing yardwork, which didn't even need to be done. There weren't any flower beds on your parents' property, just shrubbery, but your mother was insisting it be weeded and you cursed her mentally. You were still nursing a hangover, but she was far from sympathetic and she'd obviously disapproved.

So there you were, elbow deep in the soil, yanking weeds and tossing them into the bucket beside you when someone called out. "I heard you were home. Good to see you."

Thankful for the provided distraction, you got to your feet and dusted the dirt from your hands off on your jeans. "Hi, Mr. Solo!"

He grimaced momentarily at the title and rolled his eyes. "How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that, Kid?"

You couldn't help but grin. You loved Mr. Solo. He was funny and while he was rough around the edges, he was still very caring underneath it all. Arguing was how he showed affection, you'd come to learn. He glanced over at the bucket full of dirt clumps and weeds and then looked back at you. "I see your mother's already put you to work."

You only nodded and he rolled his eyes again. "Your mother and my wife should start a book club."

It was no secret that your mother and Leia Organa were workaholics. They stopped for nothing. You let out a chuckle and shrugged your shoulders. "It's not so bad, I guess. I'm leaving with some friends to go-"

"Camping," he cut you off and you must have looked surprised because he added on. "Kylo told me. Said you invited him."

You gave another shrug, this one much weaker and probably pitiful looking. "Well, Ben and Lila aren't here. I figured he needed something to do and camping's...fun."

Mr. Solo was staring at you and it was so much like the way Kylo regarded you when he was deep in thought that it threw you. "Well, I'm trusting you to keep him out of trouble. You know how he is."

Again, another shrug and you heard yourself mumbling out, "He's not that bad." _Oh my God, stop talking. Just shut your mouth_. _Stop sticking up for him_. Why were you doing that? Maybe there was some type of medication you could get that would keep you from saying stupid things.

He gave a disbelieving laugh. "You're forgetting I'm his father."

"He's definitely not worse than my sister," you grumbled out in a manner that could only be described as pissy. Now that you were sober, knowing Ben and Lila were off together somewhere, fucking each other's brains out, was eating you up inside. He was your best friend in high school and you couldn't even count how many times the two of you had sat together and talked and joked about what a complete bitch your sister was. It had been a favorite pastime for both of you and you just couldn't understand how he was willing to look past all the terrible things she'd done and said to both of you. And to top it all off, she'd been-technically still _was_ -his brother's girlfriend. What did that say about what kind of person Ben Solo truly was? You'd always known your sister was horrible, but Ben? Sweet, kind, funny Ben?

Han Solo let out a loud, boisterous laugh that was both startling and confusing. "You know, Kid, I never said anything because she's your twin sister and Kylo's been dating her for the past couple years, but I always liked you better. So does Leia. Leia can't stand your sister."

"Nobody who knows her can," you admitted without guilt. It was true. Your sister was a real piece of work. How many of your school projects had she purposely wrecked so she could tank your grade and then brag about how she was so much smarter than you? How many of your school papers had she pilfered and turned in early so that you had to stay up forty-eight hours straight in order to finish another one to replace it?

Han Solo was still laughing and it drew a reluctant smile to your face. It was nice, having someone you'd always seen as an authority figure tell you they liked you better than her. You doubted Han knew any of the things Lila had done to you, but somehow, that made it better.

"Well, I'm glad you'll be the one he's spending all his time with this summer," he told you and your chest swelled with pride. It meant a lot to you, his opinion of you and you had the sudden urge to hug him, but managed to keep yourself in check. Hugging wasn't a real big thing in the Solo-Organa household. It probably wouldn't go over too well.

"I'm gonna let you get back to your yardwork," he told you with a subdued, yet somehow conspiratorial wink as he ventured back toward the garage where you assumed he'd been working on yet another vintage car that needed to be refurbished. That was where Han made his money. He refurbished and resold vintage cars and he was better than good at it. When you were still in elementary school, you'd come over every day after school to watch him work, quick to hand him whatever tool he asked for as he told you just what it was he was doing while you'd prattled on about your day. One of your fondest memories was of him laughing hysterically after you'd told him you'd hurled a muddy worm at Kylo's face when he'd told you not to touch him or his brother because you had cooties.

Your smile dimmed a bit as your brows furrowed and your mind caught on one thing. All your memories were beginning to have one single thread of commonality. Kylo Ren. You didn't know what to make of that.

* * *

"Kylo-Kylo Ren's coming? With us?" Finn was nothing but a bundle of nerves as he stood next to the SUV's trunk where you were tossing your two duffel bags. Rey gave you an exasperated look over his shoulder from where she was standing behind him. "Why would you invite him?"

"Because." You really didn't have an adequate reason. Not one you were willing to divulge. You were still trying to understand why Kylo had felt he could tell you in the first place. Kylo was an extremely proud individual and it had to have dented his pride even just a small bit to admit that his brother and girlfriend were-

"Because," Finn hissed incredulously, drawing you from your confused thoughts, "that's not a reason!"

"Enough," Rey snapped at him, giving him a warning look, "it's done and I happen to think it was a good idea. Besides, since she invited him, it means she's the one responsible for keeping him busy."

Shit, you hadn't even thought about that. You'd have packed way more books if you had. Finn scowled as he started shoving your rolled up sleeping bags in on top of your duffels. Okay, now he was just being dramatic. He snatched the flannel blankets and quilts out of your hands and shoved them down on top of the sleeping bags.

"I don't know why you're so mad about this," you told him nonchalantly, rocking back on your heels. "If I'm spending all my time with Kylo, that just means you get to spend more time with Rey."

You glanced at him out of the corner of your eyes and watched as he stilled and you bit the inside of your cheek to keep from smiling. Finn was just so transparent and you had no idea how Rey couldn't see it. You let out a sigh and but your eyes over to the Solo-Organa house next door. Kylo still hadn't come out yet. "I'll sit in back with him, keep him company and make sure he doesn't get too grumpy. You should sit in front with Rey so he doesn't feel crowded."

Finn nodded emphatically along with you. "That's a good idea. We should do that. Where is he? You told him what time we were leaving, right?"

"It's still dark out, probably not used to getting up this early."

"I'm right here." The both of you jumped and whirled to find Kylo slinking down the walkway to his house, two heavy duffel bags in hand and two rolled up sleeping bags in the other. He wordlessly shoved them into Finn's arms and then stalked back over to his porch, gathering the rest of his supplies. Several more blankets and three huge fluffy pillows. You frowned at them, you'd forgotten yours. Wordlessly, Kylo shoved one of them into your arms roughly as he dropped the blankets in the back of the SUV and then stepped around the two of you to get into the vehicle.

"Well, are you coming," he asked, peeking his head out to glare at you. You blinked at Finn stupidly for a moment and then turned on your heel to climb in. Kylo was already in the very back seat, one pillow propped up against the window and the other wedged between his back and the side of the vehicle. As he watched you start to crawl into the back of the SUV he moved his legs over closer to his side and you realized that he was meaning for you to sit with him. Christ on a cracker, what had you gotten yourself into? You could feel Rey staring at you through the rearview mirror and the added attention was making you blush furiously. If he noticed, he said nothing of it as set his gaze on the seat in front of him and started pulling at his hair.

You settled in beside him and mashed the pillow he'd given you up against the window, adjusting your legs and getting comfortable. By this time, Finn had finished packing up the car and settled into the front passenger seat. Now you could feel him staring, too. It was beginning to get a little much. "Wake us when we get there."

You weren't quite sure why you'd said 'we', but you chalked it up to you trying to make it clear that Kylo wasn't going to want to talk to anyone. He'd never been particularly verbose, and since it was your job to take care of him essentially, that was what you were doing. You let your head fall against the pillow and closed your eyes. It didn't take you long to pass out, it was really early.

But you couldn't help grumbling in discontent when Rey yelled at you from the driver's seat that they were stopping at a convenience store and you should get up to go in and stretch your legs.

"My legs are fine," you whined, trying to kick one out, but only managing to shuffle it a little. She laughed in response as she clicked her seatbelt off. "But I bet you have to pee."

Okay, she had you there. You dragged one hand down your face. "Like a racehorse," you admitted, finally sitting up and stretching your arms above your head. Kylo was still asleep on the other side of the seat and you'd never had to wake him up and you weren't sure he'd appreciate it, so you decided to forgo it. Your legs ached as you climbed out of the SUV; Rey had been right. You did need to stretch your legs.

The gas station looked like it was designed to resemble a log cabin and while the area you were in was far less populated by people and more populated by trees, it was a bit surprising how many patrons there were. It seemed a lot of people had decided to spend their summer at the lake. Poe pulled up beside the SUV and hopped out. He looked full of energy and you gave him a wry smile. "I don't know how you're this awake."

He pulled you into one of his signature one-armed hugs and pulled you into the station beside him. You separated yourself from him in search of the bathroom. When you finished your business, you were surprised to find Kylo loitering around the drinks near Finn and Poe, who were busy chatting up a couple co-eds who seemed to be absolutely eating it up. You rolled your eyes at the pair and slowly meandered down the narrow aisles looking for some trail mix or something to hold you over until you reached your destination. Your stomach had started growling. You grabbed one at random, feeling a bit adventurous, and then grabbed a bottle of water to wash it down. Kylo was still standing by the drinks. You smirked when you caught the way one of the co-eds, a busty blonde, started to slowly edge her way over to him. She seemed like his type. Good for him, you thought. It would definitely help him to get over Lila, right?

You paid for your food at the counter and started to pocket your change when you noticed one of the candy dispensers near the front door was full of sticky hands and other cheap kid prizes. You'd loved those as a kid and you needed one for this trip. It would go a long way to keeping you entertained. Three quarters and three shots. The thing was chalk full of them. You'd get one. You shifted your purchases into the crook of your right arm and slid the first quarter in, turning the handle until the little plastic prize bubble popped out.

Shit, it was a crappy braided friendship bracelet with multicolored beading. _Ugh_. Well, you could always give it to Rey. You looked out of the store front. Rey had her camcorder glued to her face as she filmed her surroundings. Who knew gas station parking lots were so thrilling? You opened the bubble and took out the bracelet, curling it up in your hand as you tossed the bubble into the trash bin nearby and moved on to your second try.

The bubble popped out and now you were just plain annoyed. It was a giant bouncy ball. Damn it, you didn't want a bouncy ball! You wanted a gooey sticky hand that you could hurl up at the ceiling repeatedly.

"What are you doing?" You'd been so busy glaring and pouting, you hadn't noticed Kylo come up beside you. You barely glanced at him as you jammed the third and final quarter into the machine. "I'm trying to get one of the those sticky hands so I can slap Finn in the face with it when he least suspects it." That really had been the first thing that came to mind. You wondered if you could hit your target from the back seat. You could only imagine his squawk of surprised outrage and it was a thing of beauty. It needed to become reality.

But it was not to be. The bubble popped out yet another friendship bracelet identical to the first and you felt yourself deflate like a helium balloon at the end of a kid's birthday party. "That was my last quarter," you sighed in disappointment as you popped open the plastic bubble. "Oh, well, it was worth a try."

He was watching you with that penetrating gaze of his and it was starting to make you nervous again. So you did the only thing you could think of that would for sure freak him out and initiated physical contact. You grabbed his hand boldly, gratified when the muscles of his arm twitched, but you pretended not to notice as you slid the black threaded bracelet up over his hand and then tightened it snuggly around his wrist.

You felt ridiculous and he probably thought you were ridiculous, but you couldn't stop yourself or look at him, so you busied yourself with fitting the other bracelet to your own wrist and smirked to yourself. It wasn't that funny and you mostly felt like you were being a complete moron. "Now we're best friends." You cringed so hard mentally it was a wonder your whole body didn't convulse as you stepped around him and stepped out of the gas station. It hadn't gotten really hard to breathe in there and your tongue felt swollen.

A distraction. You needed a distraction from the fact that you'd just called Kylo Ren your best friend. You needed to be distracted from the fact that you'd just given him a friendship bracelet when you'd already planned on giving it to Rey. Why had you done that? There was no sane reason and you couldn't do anything about it now. Really, you should be thankful that he hadn't gone batshit insane and started yelling about cooties.

Rey whirled around to face you when the door shut behind you, her camcorder zooming in on your face. "I have a bouncy ball."

Apparently, you were still a moron, but your tongue was no longer swollen. Plus, Rey seemed really excited about being able to play with a bouncy ball in the parking lot, so that was what the two of you did until the boys were finished and you'd forgotten how high in the air they bounced. The ball, not the boys, though you would have paid to see that. So maybe getting a bouncy ball wasn't so bad. It still wasn't as good as a sticky hand, but this was fun.

"You two gonna play hopscotch next," Finn asked cheekily and you envisioned a neon green gooey hand slapping him dead center in the forehead. Oh, you could only dream.

"You crashed and burned, didn't you," you shot back snidely. Was he blushing? His eyes flicked to Rey for only a millisecond, but she was still playing with the bouncy ball. "Maybe, maybe not! Why does it matter?" Wow, he had absolutely no chill around Rey. How did she not see it?!

"Kylo got a number," he all but yelled at you, pointing behind himself. Unfortunately for him, the lanky brunette has just emerged from the gas station and Finn jabbed him harshly in the gut by accident. Kylo outright growled at the unwanted contact and reached up to rub at the affected area. Your eyes caught on his left wrist and narrowed briefly. He was still wearing that stupid bracelet. Why was he wearing it? He was supposed to rip it off and throw it in the trash. Why were you still wearing yours?

"Good for him."

"He's dating your sister!""

So what if no one else knew about what a cheating cow your sister was? You weren't gonna defend her just because the two of you shared DNA. "Bros before hoes, Finn!"

"You're not a bro!"

"I so am!" And you were. You had personally wingmanned for him on several occasions and you were the one who orchestrated getting Rey to go to prom with him senior year. He should be grateful. He never was. "You know I am."

"Are you insinuating she can't be a bro because she's a _girl_ ," Rey asked, looking extremely incensed by the idea. And you couldn't stop yourself from smiling. Watching Finn try to back pedal whenever he inadvertently pissed Rey off was always so satisfying. Schadenfreude all over the place. You crossed your arms over your chest in a similar fashion to Rey's. "Yeah, Finn, is that what you're saying?"

"Wha-nu-wha?"

Kylo was still standing behind him and he unscrewed the cap on his bottle of soda. He let out a small tsk and said, "Sexist," in that monotone drawl of his, just loud enough for everyone to hear, and you about lost it then. Holy fuck, you had not expected Kylo Ren to be so sassy. Between Kylo's feigned disinterest and Finn's very accurate fish-out-of-water impression, you were dying inside. Laughing out loud would ruin it. As Kylo chugged his soda, he caught your eye and his mouth quirked up ever so slightly. You had to bite your lip and you could feel your face starting to turn so red it burned. Your stomach muscles were beginning to ache from holding it all in.

Poe kicked open the door, arms laden with packs of beef jerky and bottled water and...Butterfingers of all things. "What'd I miss?"

"Kylo's a ladies man and Finn is sexist." The effort it took to say that without dissolving into a fit of giggles was something you would never be able to quantify. Poe didn't even bat an eye. Instead, he elbowed Kylo in the arm and said, "Oh, you got her number? Nice."

"I am _not_ sexist!"

Okay, you really did lose it then.

* * *

You'd never been to Lake Takodana. Or the cabin Poe's parents owned. You didn't get out much as a teenager, that was for sure. But times sure were a-changing and the "cabin" turned out to be a very big lake house. This was not the camping you had signed up for, but Poe promised there would definitely be camping at some point. There better be. The last time you'd slept in a tent, you'd been seven and it was in your backyard. Lila had whined until you were forced to go back inside and this was your chance at a do-over.

But the Damerons' cabin was amazing. The rustic décor was tastefully done and it had a homey feel to it that you hadn't expected. While you didn't frequent vacation homes often (okay, ever), this one seemed lived in, which was strange since Poe had mentioned they never used it. Maybe they had other family members who did?

There were three bedrooms upstairs and Poe gave you and Rey the master suite, saying ladies deserved as much privacy as possible. That had been a relief because you'd been worried that they were going to make you stay with Kylo in the room with the two twin beds, which would have been so awkward. Yeah, you and Kylo were getting along well enough now, but sooner or later, you wouldn't be. That's just how it was between the two of you. Stupid friendship bracelets notwithstanding. That wasn't even a real 'thing'. It was just a stupid joke. You and Kylo didn't have 'things'.

Most of the day was spent napping and you and Rey may or may not have spooned through your joint nap, but everything was just so relaxing and you hadn't even realized how stressed you'd been until you were there. It was almost like this was real life and school and your family and all those days and weeks and years beforehand were an illusion.

You grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator and ventured out onto the deck outback, careful to slide the glass door shut as gently as possible. You were the only one awake now. The sun was just about ready to set and you wanted to experience the grandeur alone. It was just so peaceful and you were afraid that even one more person's presence would shatter than peace.

But after you'd settled down on the railing, legs dangling freely, the sound of the sliding glass door clicking behind you alerted you to someone else and you could just feel it was him. You didn't look at him or even indicate that your were aware of him even as he made to straddle the railing beside you. You clenched your fingers around the wooden railing, eyes affixed on the reddening horizon. He was still wearing that bracelet. But you were still wearing yours, too.

"Does it bother you?" You didn't know why you were asking that. Why wouldn't it bother him? But..."You act like it doesn't."

Still, he didn't say anything, so you kept going. "If it doesn't, if it really doesn't, what the hell, Kylo? I mean, I'm furious and it really doesn't have much to do with me."

"But you're only pissed because of that pathetic crush you have on Ben." He didn't even sound like he meant to insult you, and, in truth, you actually weren't all that insulted. But the way he'd said it had been so void of any sort of feeling. That...that stung. Why did that sting so much?

"I've been over that for almost a year now," you informed him, your tone reprimanding, "Ben's just-" What? What was Ben? Why was your relation to Ben dependent on any wrongs he may have committed against his brother? Your sudden emotional dilemma must have been reflected in your expression because he turned slightly to face you. "What?"

You could only shake your head at him. "It's just. If he can do that to _you_ , his brother, what's he capable of doing to the rest of us? I thought I knew Ben. Clearly, I don't."

"We've never been close," Kylo told you firmly. That did nothing to comfort you. How would it? Your relationship with your own twin was tenuous at best, which just meant the roles could just as easily have been reversed and how would that ever be any better or different?

"But you don't do that to your sibling," you argued vehemently, "it's cruel and wrong."

"Oh, so you're saying you wouldn't fuck your sister's boyfriend," he asked. The manner in which he spoke indicated that he wasn't exactly interested in an answer and you weren't sure if that was because he'd meant it to be rhetorical or he really just didn't care. You really had no idea why he would even think to ask such a question.

You returned your attention to the sunset. The sky was pink and orange and just so very beautiful. It was just so calm and serene. It was everything the rest of the world wasn't and you needed so much more of it. "It's perfect out here."

If Kylo Ren agreed or thought otherwise, he didn't say anything. You supposed he'd said all he had to say for the time being and you were fine with that. So you inhaled the fresh air deeply and let some of the tension ease out of your body. "I need more of this in my life."

"Why?"

The question wasn't expected. You could feel Kylo looking at you, saw him brace both hands on the railing at he leaned forward. You couldn't even muster up the urge to try to shrug it off. What was the harm in talking to him about this? He wouldn't tell anyone and he'd already told you something you knew he wouldn't tell anyone else. Your secrets would be safe. And it wasn't really a secret. It was just something you'd never been brave enough to verbalize. But you couldn't look at him when you said it.

"Everything's just...different." There was so much of it and not enough words for how you felt. "School's fine, you know? But it's not the same. Before, I knew what I was supposed to do and now I just don't. I should, but I can't figure it out."

"You were always the responsible one."

"Yeah, and now there's all this pressure to keep going and I can't figure out where I'm supposed to go." You shook your head in exasperation. "I know that doesn't make sense. I shouldn't feel so much pressure, but everyone else knows where they're going and what they're doing and I'm just stuck. I know I'm doing it to myself, but I can't stop. I can't let go and let things just happen like everyone else. They all make it seem so easy. Hell, Rey and Poe are the worst. They know what they're doing, what they want and I want to be like that, but I can't figure out how to do it. And it just makes me so angry to know everyone else has all these plans and I have nothing. It fucking hurts."

"Ben's that way." There was so much bitterness in his voice and you couldn't help but commiserate because Kylo _got it_. "He'll graduate with his fucking degree."

You could only nod your head. As sad as you were and as hopeless as you felt, it was nice knowing you weren't the only one floundering. The two of you sat in companionable silence until the sun was almost fully set and Rey called you both in for dinner and board games. Kylo was the first one up and over the railing, his movements much more graceful than you'd have thought. As he neared the sliding glass door, he paused and turned to you. His face was as impassive as ever, but his eyes were no less piercing. "You never answered my question."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben Solo doesn't appear until they get back from their trip, in case anyone is wondering.
> 
> I appreciate any and all feedback. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing.


	3. Invasion of the Co-eds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You learn you're sharing a tent with Kylo and Rey has a meltdown when some uninvited guests decide to take up residence at a nearby campsite.

What question? What fucking question? This was something that you would be asking yourself for the next two days. Leave it to Kylo Ren to be a cryptic fucking asshole when you think the two of you are finally forming a semblance of a friendship. The more you thought about it, the angrier you got. What did it fucking mean? What question had he asked? Kylo was less than loquacious on his best day, so you were pretty sure you had been able to accurately recall the conversation you'd had and you couldn't remember for the life of you when he'd asked you a question he expected and answer to. Not that you were required to answer all his questions because now you just suspected he was a nosy fucker who was trying to mess with you covertly. He probably was.

And now, you were being forced to share a tent with him. You were so mad you could spit fire at this point. Even as he helped you clear out the campsite, you wanted to choke him a little. Because he acted like he hadn't said anything to drive you insane. This was made ten times worse by the fact that you were going to have to share a fucking tent with him.

At one point, you'd expected to be sharing a tent with Rey, because you'd all decided with relative ease, that all three boys could share a tent while the two girls got one of their own. For some reason, you had expected this to stick and for Kylo to stay in the tent with Poe and Finn. He wasn't that scary or even that ill-tempered anymore. However, when you used this as an argument, it did nothing more than to serve their point and no amount of grumbling from you was going to change their minds. Plus, Kylo seemed to be under the impression that the two of you were sharing one even before anyone had said anything and you guessed (with a fair amount of accuracy) that nobody wanted to be the one who was going to tell him he had to share a tent with two other boys who he barely tolerated.

"You're the one who put the tent up," he told you, his voice soft yet firm, "I'll set everything up, you go do something else."

You weren't going to argue with him. You _had_ set the tent up practically on your own. Kylo had never set one up and he'd had no problems letting you do so by yourself, though he'd been sure to watch you and take note of what pieces went where. So you watched his back as he retreated to the cars to get all your supplies while you tried (and failed) to ignore that his back looked pretty muscular from where you were standing. Maybe it was his tee-shirt...his plain, grey, tee-shirt. It had to be.

Rey was quick with a distraction, darting in front of you with her camcorder and you felt the corners of your mouth darting up in a smile. "Do you have enough battery life for a full week out here?"

"Of course, I came prepared," Rey proclaimed, keeping the lens trained on you, "Are you really okay with me filming you all summer?"

Your smile grew a bit more. "Of course, I know how much this means to you."

"D'you think Kylo will mind?"

That dropped the smile from your face. Why was everything suddenly revolving around him? "I have no clue. You're not wanting me to talk to him, are you? I mean, we're all adults here-"

"But he likes you," she interrupted, causing your jaw to unhinge and hang uselessly. No, that...that couldn't be right...he just put up with you easier than the others. As if she could read your thoughts, Rey continued on and she had that excited gleam in her eye. "He does! He hasn't yelled at you once and he speaks full sentences to you that don't involve the words 'fuck off'."

"That's really sad." It was sad for the both of you. You didn't know what you expected to happen when you had invited him. Well, that's a lie. You'd expected him to latch onto Poe and Finn and completely ignore you and Rey. It would have been so much easier that way, too. You'd have helped him out, helped him make new friends, and become acquaintances that could now properly handle each other's presence on major holidays and at family functions. This had not been what you had envisioned. Not at all.

Shit, what if he snored? Well, it's not like the other's wouldn't have to suffer through that with you and you could always put your pillow over your head or go sleep in the SUV.

"This site is great," Rey hummed out as she rotated slowly to film it, "I mean, I know it's half-assed camping since there's bathrooms and showers, but-"

"Like any of us wants to dig our own latrine," you huffed a laugh, "and I don't think I could go a week without showering."

"I can't believe there's hardly anyone else here."

Just then, a Hummer pulled up at one of the designated camping sites nearby and out poured the co-eds. "I want to say I don't know if this is good or bad..."

"Do you think they know how to set up a tent?"

"Rey, I don't think they even know how to spell 'orange.'"

"So, who are we blaming this on? Poe or Ren?"

The two of you shared a look. "Poe," you said simultaneously, turning to find Poe and Finn bent over the fire pit they'd fashioned. You weren't much in the mood for arguing, but Rey seemed like she was ready. She stalked over to them and for a moment, she'd forgotten you'd left the camcorder on. "What's all this about?" She jerked her thumb behind her to point at the bouncy co-eds. Kylo poked his head out of your tent to watch the confrontation, but for some reason, his eyes shifted to study you. However, you weren't going to let him get to you and you kept your eyes forward, intent on watching Rey, who was clearly verging on furious, start in on two of her best friends.

Poe looked like he was suddenly on guard and Finn looked terrified. Poe looked her over from head to toe, as if trying to gauge how to approach the situation. "What do you mean?"

"Did you invite them out here? You and Kylo?"

"No, but they did mention they were going camping."

"Rey, it's not a big deal," you tried reasoning, a calming hand on her shoulder, "one of them will probably break a nail and insist on going home before the night's out."

"Or they'll get lost and starve to death," Poe added with a shrug, "don't worry about it."

"Well, I vote we eat and go to bed immediately so as not to attract attention," Rey snapped, and you rolled your eyes. You could do that. You were a safe distance away from her. "Rey, are you kidding? It's not even dark out."

One of the co-eds started yelling and waving in your campsite's direction and you cringed internally. Poe raised on hand and returned the wave meekly while Kylo stood beside your tent, hands stuffed in his pockets as he watched the smoke practically rise from Rey's head. "You know how important this is to me, Dameron!" Aaaand, it was time to take a step back. Both you and Finn stepped back a few generously spaced paces while your brunette friend continued to hiss and growl. "This is supposed to be about the five of us. Not about us and a bunch of sorority girls from 'Girls Gone Wild'."

Kylo slipped over to stand beside you, filling up the space at your right side in a way that was quickly becoming all too familiar. "She's gonna be filming us?"

You hadn't mentioned it when you proposed that he accompany you this summer because you'd known he would have turned you down immediately, but now, you were wishing you had. Arms crossed over your chest, you glanced up at him, tilting your chin so that you could see him properly. You were never going to get over how tall he was. His face was impassive and that was a good sign.

"Rey wants to make documentary films for a living. We all agreed she could film everything this summer. Maybe she'll find a story. She can find a story in anything." He still didn't look angry. "If you don't want her to film you, just tell her and she'll keep you out of it."

"I don't care." He certainly didn't sound like he did.

That was when Rey started yelling and your eyes widened as you looked at him. "I'm gonna go hide in the tent."

You didn't wait for a reply, though he did raise an incredulous eyebrow at you. But you wanted out of the line of Rey's fire. So you crawled into the tent and then stopped abruptly, body braced on your hands and knees. He'd zipped all the sleeping bags together to make one large bed. What the ever-loving fuck?!

* * *

The Harlequin novel you managed to read was shit (but it was Harlequin, so what had you really expected to get out of it?) and you felt like you'd wasted the day. But the co-eds had flocked over not long after you'd gone to hide in your tent and every time one of them squealed or giggled (hearing that one shriek "Oh my God, Kylo" over and over like he was some daredevil frat boy she totally wanted to fuck was making you grind your teeth) you were more and more thankful that you had just peaced out of that whole scene.

But you were hungry and they were cooking hotdogs now. So, you reluctantly left the confines of your tent, hugging your hoodie-jacket closer to your body in the cool night air, and approached the campfire. Rey called out to you in an overly enthusiastic greeting and you instantly felt guilty for having left her alone. These girls were all so perky and covered in pink. You wrinkled your nose at your observation. It was as if they'd doused themselves in cotton candy and bubblegum.

There were four of them and they'd monopolized both yours and Rey's chairs and it was clear that their intention was to make the pair of you the odd men out on your own camping trip. Should you just come out and say you didn't care if they wanted to fuck any of the guys? You really didn't. And okay, it probably would bother you if you had to see or hear any of it, but they could always go out into the woods a little ways and do it out there. Or in that giant Hummer. That thing looked like it had enough room. And it was probably already full of bodily fluids. Again, you wrinkled your nose.

So, you didn't see what the problem was. Plus, Kylo had gotten a phone number from one of them and that meant he at least wanted to get into her pants, right? And that was the thought that had you studying each of them critically, trying to figure out which one it was that had caught his eye. Had she been the one who'd commandeered Rey's chair and relegated her to sitting on the cooler?

"You're awake," Finn greeted and you felt yourself shrug. "I was reading. I finished."

"Hemingway," Poe asked, joking. You shrugged again as you shook your head and smoothed down your hair that had been ruffled by your pillow. "Just some trashy romance novel."

Finn nearly spat out half his soda. "You read those?"

Not often, but yeah, you did. You didn't have a sex life and you needed to compensate somehow. That was one reason, but not the reason you'd chosen to read something trashy today. Another casual shrug. "I wasn't in the mood to read anything heavy. Didn't wanna think."

That seemed to have been an answer that wasn't expected and you fisted your hands further into your jacket pockets as they all stared at you. The co-eds had their eyes narrowed and Rey had her camcorder trained on you. Poe looked like he was taking in what you said the way he'd take in any bit of information you told him. You were starting to feel like you were on display and you cleared your throat awkwardly and then crossed you arms. "Where are the hotdogs at? I'm starved."

Rey was up and helping you put a plate together, clearly needing something to do and just as uncomfortable as you were with the unwanted company. As you bit into your hotdog with gusto and chewed, you asked, "So did they just invite themselves over? Or what?"

"I guess," Rey replied, making a face, "they've done nothing but flirt and try to cut me out of every single conversation we've been having."

You took another generous bite of your hotdog and grunted, not unlike a caveman. Rey kept going and you were fine with that because it meant you got to finish off your hotdog in one go. Plus, you wanted another one. You grabbed up the tongs and placed another dog in a bun as you listened to Rey bitch, voice hushed to avoid too much attention. So, you just kept eating. You were fine with that and Rey looked like she needed someone to listen.

"You know, I could deal with all the flirting," she told you before clasping her hands under her chin and batting her lashes mockingly. "Oh, Kylo you're such a dream! Oh, Kylo, you're so tall and broody! Oh, Kylo!" You choked on a laugh and almost swallowed half your dog in the process. "Yeah, I heard all that," you chuckled, smiling ruefully.

Rey eyed you in surprise. "And that doesn't bother you?"

"Why would it," you asked as you took another bite. You didn't get what the big deal was. "I mean, so long as they don't fuck on my sleeping bags and get their sex juices everywhere, I don't care what he does."

"Well, he _is_ dating your sister."

Oh, yeah. Everyone thought they were still a thing and you not being pissed at him for going out and sleeping with other people made you seem like a callous bitch. Okay, that made sense. But, Rey knew just how little you liked Lila. There had to be more to this that you weren't seeing or Rey was just way too empathetic for her own good.

"Okay, yeah, it's kind of messed up I guess, but he's an adult and he's gotta make his own choices or whatever." You tried to wave it all off because you really didn't care and you thought it was good that Kylo was trying to move on since Lila had already done so. Heartless bitch. And weren't people always saying the best way to get over someone was to get under some else? You'd heard that somewhere. It seemed like it might be worth a try. But Rey was giving you that creepy stare she sometimes gave people when she was picking up on something nobody else seemed to notice. It always freaked you the fuck out, but she hardly ever did it to you. You were predictable. But right now, it appeared that you were being unpredictable. You chomped obnoxiously on your hotdog in a bid to distract her and eyed her right back. "What?"

"Nothing," Rey responded slowly, like she herself wasn't sure it actually was "nothing."

"Good, cause you freak me out when you do that," you told her, stuffing the last of your dog in your mouth.

The co-ed closest to you decided to butt in at that point, cluing you into the fact that she'd been eavesdropping. "You eat a lot."

She was bleach-blonde with big boobs and she reminded you a bit of Lila. You hoped she wasn't the one who'd given Kylo her number because not only was she a bitch, she was a reminder of what he was losing and that would just prolong his suffering. Although, he didn't seem to be suffering as much as you'd expected. He didn't seem to be suffering at all, honestly. As you chewed and swallowed, you wondered if you should look into that since you were now his self-proclaimed best friend.

"Yeah, and you talk a lot, what's your point?" That had been rude. Like, really rude. You were usually as zen as they came and confrontation was definitely something you liked to avoid, but well, they'd invaded your campsite, forced Rey into a proverbial corner, and now they were implying you were fat. That was just not cool.

But your voice had sounded almost mechanical when you said it; like you weren't even angry or hurt that someone had essentially called you fat. The girl seemed to fumble for a decent comeback as she made some strange sort of squeaking noise in the back of her throat.

"Oh my God, chill," ordered the second blonde, who was busy twirling her hair around her forefinger while she scowled at you in superiority, "it's clearly just an observation."

"Clearly," Rey managed to chortle, you just shrugged one shoulder and turned your back on the co-eds and the fire. "Wanna go throw things at the lake?"

"We can skip stones."

" _You_ can skip stones, I'll just throw things."

And you did. Rey attempted to teach you to skip stones, but you just couldn't do it and you weren't all that bothered with settling for seeing how far you could throw things until they landed in the water with a healthy plop.

"You know, Kylo's not that bad," Rey admitted and you found yourself smiling for some unknown reason. "No, he isn't."

"He's like the same person from high school, but completely different at the same time."

"But don't you think we're all like that?"

Rey didn't look to sure. "Maybe. I guess it's just more noticeable in him...And you."

You tossed a twig that didn't go very far at all. "Me?"

"You've got this quiet edge to you that you didn't have before." There was a pause. "I mean, it was there, but it's more prominent now, I guess. You're more intense."

"Shit." You hadn't thought it was so obvious. "I have a lot on my mind. I've been working through it, I just didn't think you guys could tell."

"It's cool," she assured you. "Well, all have stuff we have to work through sometimes."

One of the blonde co-eds giggled loudly and you both turned with mirroring expressions of aggravation. Rey was the one to speak first. "How do they do that? Flirt and act so girly and...perfect?"

This was something you hadn't expected from Rey, who'd never expressed that she wanted to be anything other than what she always was. Rey had always seemed comfortable in her own skin and so sure of herself. It was something you'd always admired. You turned back toward the lake and tried to hurl a handful of pine needles into the water lapping at the shoreline. "I don't know, but it seems exhausting. They can't all be like that. Some of it has to be an act."

"Or maybe it just comes naturally to them."

"I don't think the redheads' boobs came naturally to her," you sniffed indelicately, and you were rewarded with a boisterous laugh that had the group settled around the fire quieting down and looking over to see what the fuss was about. You staunchly ignored them, snickering silently to yourself as Rey hugged her middle and continued to fight for her breath. You were happy to help Rey dissolve whatever doubts she was having about her own self-worth. You didn't want to see her self-esteem diminished in any sort of capacity. By now, though, Rey was wiping tears from her eyes and you were full on grinning. Perhaps, it was petty of the two of you to find some solace in cutting down someone else's physical appearance, but it had served its purpose and it was cathartic to laugh so loudly and openly about something so trivial.

When was the last time you'd laughed like that? Oh, yes, the gas station. That, too, had been at someone else's expense. Maybe you just weren't as nice of a person as you fancied yourself. Honestly, you couldn't have survived having Lila for a sister if you weren't much of a bitch yourself. You just hid it better. Everyone was more than what they were on the surface, you knew that, but you'd never really _known_ it.

As Rey wiped the last of the tears from her eyes, you scratched at the side of your neck, feeling out of sorts as you had been wont to do as of late. It felt like everything was changing all at once, but not at all and you had no idea how to properly react in any other way than stunted awkwardness. And you seemed to be the only one doing it. You cast a look over your shoulder back toward the fire and your gaze caught with Kylo's. He was reclined in his chair, one leg kicked out in front of him as he stared at you openly with that unreadable yet knowing look of his. You tore you eyes away from him to look back at the lake and tossed the stick you were still holding into the water with little force. There was something having him sater at you just then that unsettled you more than usual. You felt like you were entirely alone yet surrounded by people. That was nothing knew. But the strange thing about it was, that even though Kylo was a fair distance from you, you felt like he was the only one actually there _with you_. Like he was the only one there that could _see you_. It was such a strange notion that if left you feeling suddenly crowded and exposed.

"I think I'm going to go to sleep." You weren't tired, but you just wanted to be alone again. All this introspection was twisting you up and you wanted a break from it.

"Good night," Rey said softly as she watched you trudge toward your tent and disappear inside. You undressed and redressed in the muted darkness, a baggy tee-shirt and a pair of gym shorts that you had purchased when Rey finally managed to talk you into taking a yoga class with her. You shouldn't have agreed because eventually you'd been roped into a Zumba class and soon it was going to be something else that you would have to go along with that you didn't want to. The yoga helped keep you balanced when you were having a bad day, but the Zumba class? You just felt like an idiot being there.

Ruminating on how not having to take Zumba classes during the summer was yet another reason you were happy to be on this trip, you burrowed deeply into the sleeping bags, which were already overly-warm and making you drowsy. The giggling filtered in through the tent, but it was easy to filter out as you hugged your pillow and half laid on top of it while you drifted in and out of consciousness.

A couple hours later, you snapped fully awake when the zipper to the tent was pulled open and you heard someone enter. _Kylo_. He slowly slid the zipper back in place and you're entire body was pulled taut like a bowstring. How could you have forgotten he was sleeping in the same tent with you? When you heard the familiar rustle of fabric sliding over skin, every muscle in your body tensed further. You were surprised your tendons didn't snap under the strain as you listened as Kylo changed into something else to sleep in. But he didn't, to your horror. No, he slid clothes off, piled them on his belongings much like you had done with yours and then he slipped into the sleeping bags next to you, behind you, and you couldn't breathe.

What was he playing at, your mind reeled as you squeezed your pillow tighter against yourself, adrenaline flooding your system. You listened, hyper aware as he shifted around to get comfortable, hyper-aware of every sound. But you still couldn't prepare yourself for the sensation of his arm grazing your back as he situated himself and your entire body flinched. He froze, you froze, neither of your breathing or speaking, and the minutes ticked by in a painful momentary eternity that only the two of you were caught up in. And then it was over and he was laying a safe distance behind you, the distance between you acceptable and you could breathe again.

But you couldn't relax. You were too aware of him, just there, somewhere beyond your senses and you felt like now the two of you were waiting for something. You weren't sure what it was, but you _knew_ he had to know because he just knew things, like Rey did, and you were so very scared for some reason because whatever it was, it wasn't going to be good.

You pressed further into your pillow, letting the fog of sleep begin to edge into you mind again, purposely willing your body to relax. There was no other recourse than sleep. It was the only way in which to safely navigate this tenuous situation. So, you surrendered to it and breathed deep, your exhale numbing you and pulling you under.

You still felt the brush of his cool knuckles as they grazed the small of your back where you shirt had ridden up; your spine shivered at the contact and you knew it had been purposeful. He'd had to reach for you to do so. Kylo didn't move and you didn't encourage him to. Instead, you clenched your eyes shut tighter and faded into the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm gonna be honest. I did not expect you guys to comment or anything. At all. But it makes me super happy to know you guys like it and you're enjoying it. I really hope you continue enjoying it. Anyone who's reading that didn't catch this when I posted the first two chapters, feel free to leave some feedback-positive or negative! Thanks so much for reading!


	4. Where We Stand is Where We Lay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Night time causes you extreme confusion. But that is definitely not all it brings you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, this contains smut. And I've never ever written smut, so if it sucks, I'm so very sorry I disappointed you. Seriously, I'm sorry. I re-wrote that part like four or five times and that's why it took forever to update. I wanted to make sure I did the best I could, so if it still sucks, I'm sorry it sucks and you have my full permission to light my ass on fire for it. 
> 
> Also, this is still tagged slow burn because just because people jump into bed together doesn't mean they fall in love. Sometimes, that comes after.

You'd never had a bucket of cold water thrown on you to wake you up, but you imagined it was quite a lot like this minus the wetness and the shivering and the actual cold. But if you'd known what the morning would bring, you never would have slept at all. You'd have stayed out by the fire all night. It wasn't entirely horrifying. It was just confusing and wrong and...warm.

You'd never been credited with having an abundance of smarts during that period of time between sleep and wakefulness. In fact, that was the time in which your confusion was most blissfully prominent. So, it wasn't at all shocking to you, later on, that when you peeked an eye open to find long arms with long hands, draped over you and encasing you, you'd smiled and relished their warmth and then you'd wiggled closer, not at all minding the raging hard-on that was pushing insistently at the junction of your thighs. In fact, you'd vaguely smirked mentally and congratulated yourself on finding someone who was well-endowed.

But the kicker had been when you'd lazily rolled over, caught sight of the person spooning you, and snuggled closer. You were the only one conscious, which was a relief later on, but it didn't temper the fact that you'd known specifically who it was and still burrowed into his chest like you fucking belonged there, like it was a perfect fit. You'd peeked your eyes up at him as you turned and not for a fraction of a second had you mistaken him for his brother. No, your sleep-addled brain had sighed out dreamily, "Kylo" and you had pressed every inch of your body into his, wound your arms around his middle, and nuzzled your face against his chest. And it had been the best three minutes of your life right up until your mind finally managed to understand what was happening and just what in the hell you thought you were doing.

You were straight up cuddling with Kylo Ren Solo in a tent with his boner prodding you in your crotch. Like, _right against your crotch_ , because you'd made sure to slide your leg right over his hip and he'd fallen back just enough to accommodate you and now his dick was nudging at you entrance through your shorts with stunning accuracy. It was quite literally the heat-seeking missile of dicks.

But none of this was what was the worst of it. No, the worst of it was when reality came crashing down, your body flushing with the cold truth of it, and yet you did nothing. You didn't move, didn't loosen your grip or shift your hips away from him. You breathed in and out and let the guilt wash over you in crushing waves, but you didn't try to rectify your predicament. You tried to understand it, though.

Were you simply this attention-starved? That you were willing to let your sister's semi-boyfriend dry hump you in his sleep (okay, he wasn't dry-humping you per se, but it was close)? Or would you have done this with anyone? You tried picturing Finn or Poe and your entire body cringed at it. Okay, so that wasn't it. Was this some messed up way for you to get back at Ben and Lila for being shits? Were you still harboring some small sliver of your old crush, that you hadn't known about and this was your way of trying to get the next best thing? But imagining being held by Ben in such a-dare you say it?- _intimate_ way, was repugnant. So, no crush. So... what did that mean?

And not even a week ago, you'd barely been able to tolerate the guy. Now, you were just...what were you? What did you feel? Other than physical, that is. This was just a lot to take in. Emotionally, physically...you'd never even _done_ -you couldn't think about that right now. You weren't even going to go there because that wasn't an issue right now. Well, it wasn't an issue, yet, was it? You weren't doing that. Not with him. But now you were thinking about it. You were thinking about how nice his skin felt against yours. It was soft and warm and he was lean and muscular and there was a lot of him to explore and your fingers itched to do just that.

This was bad, very very bad. How were you supposed to get yourself out of this? Get the fuck out of his arms, that's how you get yourself out of this. But, no, your traitorous body pressed closer to his and your own arms declared their mutinous intentions by tightening their hold on him. This whole thing was so fucked. You knew that much, at least. Damn your bleeding heart for asking him to come along with you. No, this had to stop right fucking now. It couldn't go farther than this. You could just pull away and pretend it didn't happen and he was still that asshat next door that pissed you off every chance he got.

That was what you focused on; every pithy comment and rude remark he'd ever made against you that'd ever managed to sting enough. You let it feed and fester in your heart until it gave you the strength to pull away. And you still did so reluctantly as your mind chanted over and over again that he was still that same hateful boy you'd grown up with. You let your mind zero in on all those times you'd caught him and your sister going at it and there was that bucket of ice you needed being dumped over your head to bring you out of it.

You took a shower in the facilities on the campgrounds and let the cold water temper the heat in your body and numb your warring emotions. You brushed your teeth with a little too much vigor as you swore to yourself you'd keep your distance and keep your guard up.

It proved easier said than done now because you were now painfully aware of his presence as he emerged from the tent later in the morning, after everyone else was awake and already starting their day. Your other three companions were in good spirits, though aware of your sudden introspection as you kept to yourself all through out your breakfast of grilled cheese. You'd curled up in a ball in your chair, knees pressed against your chest and you could tell Poe was worried about you by the way he kept glancing at you and then over your shoulder at your tent. It didn't take a genius to figure out that he thought Kylo had done something to you, but that wasn't the case at all. You'd somehow managed to do it to yourself. Poe Dameron still picked up on the way you flinched when the zipper on your tent pulled back and you felt his eyes on you the second he emerged.

You weren't quite sure what Poe had expected, but it wasn't what he found. His eyebrows rose clear into his hairline as he surreptitiously looked between the two of you and his half-eaten food. He gestured to the food laid out, looking pointedly past you and there was a shuffling of familiar footfalls. You watched from you periphery as Kylo grabbed some food and threw himself down in his chair beside you. You studiously kept your eyes on your plate, too overtly aware of every single movement he made and the goosebumps that broke out all over your body as a result. You hugged your knees close and finished off your sandwich, affixing your eyes on Rey.

Rey was oblivious to the tension thrumming through your body as she smiled sunnily at you, camcorder propped in her lap and seemingly forgotten for the moment as she ate. "Did you sleep okay?"

"Yup," you managed, but you couldn't even attempt to smile and she seemed fine with that answer. "How about you, Ren?"

You really wanted to hurl your plate across the campsite for the simple distraction alone. It was so very tempting. You'd rather they all be asking you if you needed to be put on some sort of medication for your outburst than have him answer that question.

"I slept fine, thank you." It was a simple, monotone reply, but it caused your insides to riot. What did he mean by that?! Was he completely oblivious to what had happened? Yes, he probably was since he'd clearly been unconscious, but he had to have felt something. A tiny something, somewhere. Ugh, you sounded insane, even to yourself. You did need medication.

You spent the entire day going through the motions, watching Poe and Finn while they fished along the lake's shoreline, watching Rey as she filmed each and every single bird and squirrel she saw. But you did not and would not look to Kylo, who sat staunchly by your side, ever silent and ever still. Until you finally couldn't take it anymore and launched yourself from your seat to follow Rey as she trekked into the trees in search of something to film. It was quiet and still in the woods and you let her prattle on about how she just knew that she was going to find something big, something worth making a film about.

Rey wanted to film documentaries. It was her life's ambition and she had a good eye for finding things, even the most mundane of events and turning them into something riveting. She'd won a couple film festivals the previous summer with one of her short films. She'd packed a duffel filled to the brim with nothing but blank tapes, all numbered.

Poe wanted to be a composer, which had surprised his parents, who had been convinced he would follow in their footsteps and become a commercial airline pilot since he'd taken an interest in aeronautics at a young age, but that had all changed when he'd first picked up an acoustic guitar in the sixth grade and fallen absolutely in love.

Finn had wanted to join the army in his younger years, but now, he'd found his footing on similar ground with Rey, also behind the camera, working on production, but he'd decided not to limit himself. He was the most ambitious of the three, in your opinion because he wanted to be a part of everything. He wanted to learn everything.

And then there was you, frozen in place, slowly sinking in the Swamp of Sadness that was your life. Stuck as you begged and pleaded for a higher power to point you in the right direction. The best you could do for now was let Rey lead you through the trees and the underbrush in her quest for greatness.

You spent the entire day traipsing through the woods, silent and miserable, but unwilling to speak, more than happy for the distraction she provided, until you emerged from the woods as dusk began to settle. You were slightly sweaty from you excursion, mud caked to the soles of your shoes, as you approached the already roaring fire and let Poe beckon you over to get one of the hotdogs he'd made. You dropped into your chair and ate until you were full. You stretched your limbs out haphazardly and watched from across the fire as Poe patiently taught Finn how to play the acoustic guitar. The atmosphere was relaxed and peaceful for the first time since leaving the lake house.

Contentment washed over you as you regarded each of your friends in turn, affection turning the corners of your mouth up in a soft smile. Despite whatever emotional upheaval you'd experienced, it had been a carefree, lazy day and you appreciated the positive effect it had had on the three of them. You couldn't be sure if the same could be said for Kylo, who you'd avoided entirely, but he seemed as taciturn as always as he sat silently in his chair.

You scraped the crusted mud off the bottom of your shoes with a stick and then tossed the stick in the fire, listening as the wood and the dried mud crackled. You were not tracking mud into your tent. Kylo hadn't gotten pissed at you yet and you weren't keen on trying to needlessly draw his ire.

But then the high-pitched giggling from the co-eds' campsite assaulted your ears and popped your bubble of calm. You glared in their direction and felt yourself begin to scowl when you saw them beginning to saunter over. They were tripping along the dirt and grass and laughing at their own clumsiness and you wonder just how much of it was feigned.

Rey caught your eye from across the fire, eyebrow raised as if to say, "Again? Are you kidding me?" You let out a huff of disbelief and sat up. The closer they got, the more annoyed you became. The night had been almost perfect and they were going to ruin it. You didn't want to stick around to watch it. Once on your feet, you gave a half-hearted wave. "I'm going to bed, guys. Night."

Rey was keen to follow your example as she practically jumped to her feet. "Me, too. Night boys."

"Night, Rey," you called to her as you turned and hurried to crawl into your tent before the gaggle of girls reached the fire. As you pulled the zipper shut, you let out a deep breath, unaware you'd been holding it and winced when the girls began nearly squealing their greetings. Cringing away from the tent flap, you yanked off your shoes and socks, still scowling petulantly as you pulled on your sleep shirt and burrowed into the sleeping bags.

The squealing turned to whines of protest and you let out a sound of disgust, tossing an angry look over your shoulder before planting your face in your pillow and yanking the sleeping bag up over your head to create a cocoon of warmth. "I hope one of them falls in the fire," you muttered darkly to yourself and clamped your hands over your ears. Unfortunately, you're makeshift earmuffs managed to block out too much sound and you didn't notice Kylo had entered the tent until you felt the bedding being pulled back and he slid in behind you.

Of course you turned to look at him as he was pulling his shirt over his head, gripping it at the back of the neck with both hands and pulling. You bit the inside of your cheek, willing yourself not to react in any way, but it was really hard not to considering what you knew those now very bare planes of skin and muscle felt like. He raised an eyebrow at you as he tossed his shirt on top of his bag and you turned away from him again. Obviously, he wanted to sleep just like you did and it was best not to make a thing out of it. You scooted further away to give him ample room, only a little put out at having to move outside of the warm spot you'd managed to create.

It was hard to focus on keeping your breathing calm and even when you could feel him trying to burn a hole in the back of your head with the intensity of his stare. Did he take a class on how to manage to make people immeasurably uncomfortable just by looking at them? You'd always wondered. Leia Organa could do it when she tried, but she didn't do it nonstop like her eldest son.

You were ripped from your inner-musings when one of his wiry arms snaked around your middle and hauled backward. Right into his chest. You were officially panicking.

"What the fuck are you doing," you hissed, mindful of the people just outside the tent. Sure, Poe and Finn would have come to your aid, but you didn't want them to think you couldn't handle Kylo Ren on your own. And you didn't want to get him in trouble for some unknown reason that you definitely weren't going to look into in the near future. Or ever. The mystery that was Kylo Ren was not one you wanted to unravel. Leave that to some other poor girl.

"Calm down and go to sleep," he hushed you, his warm breath licking at the shell of your ear, his lips brushing against your skin. You hadn't even known it was that sensitive until that point. Gooseflesh rose along your neck and shoulders, travelling in quick succession. Kylo slipped his other arm under your head as he settled against you, molding his front to your back like he was trying to fuse your bodies together. Every nerve in your body was now prickling with awareness. Your heart was trying it's best to thunder its way through your sternum and it felt like the resulting ricochet was causing it to pummel against your lungs and leave you unable to catch your breath. There was a very real chance you were hyperventilating, which he seemed to pick up on because the arm he had flung out curled toward you and began to scratch at your scalp gently. It was enough to cause a modicum of confusion to well up within you.

If he really was trying to calm you down, then the best thing to do would have been to let go of you. But Kylo's hold on you remained steady, his ministrations consistent, and you felt yourself begin to relax against your will. It was wrong of him and it was wrong of you to let it continue, but you didn't know how to extract yourself without causing some sort of disastrous upheaval. _Maybe_ , you hoped innocently, naïvely, _he just needs someone to cuddle with._ You used this to further rationalize your predicament. He was feeling alone and unwanted because of what his brother and your sister were doing. He needed to pretend someone cared. You could do that for him, just for tonight, couldn't you? Everything would return to status quo in the morning. It was that more than anything that had you finally settling down. It certainly had nothing to do with the way his body slotted against yours almost perfectly. It had nothing to do with the fact that though he held you against himself snuggly, you still felt like you weren't being completely stifled. It had absolutely nothing to do with the warm, rhythmic puffs of air ghosting across the nape of your neck, where he'd tucked his nose into your hair and nuzzled in. You refused to focus on the feeling of his lips nudging against you skin as his chest rose and fell.

You couldn't remember falling asleep, but you came to when the chill in the morning air began to seep into your body, and for a few minutes, you were confused by the lack of warmth at your back until you realized you were alone in the tent. Kylo was long gone and your body fell limp in relief, the effects dampened a moment later by a fleeting sense of disappointment that you quashed instantly by throwing back the sleeping bag and pulling on clean clothes.

Staggering out of your tent, rubbing at your bleary eyes and trying to tame the mess that was your hair, you let your eyes flit around everyone as they sat around eating breakfast. Rey and Finn both gave you a sunny smile, which you returned with a sleep-addled one of your own that Poe seemed to find humorous. "You sleep okay?"

You managed a grunt as you trip-fell into your chair and sagged into it with a wide yawn. Finn laughed and you gave him another lazy smile. "What are we doing today," you asked the group at large.

"I was thinking we could all go for another hike," Rey suggested, "get out of the camp and explore some more."

"Who's gonna watch our stuff?" It was a valid concern. Poe gave a care-free shrug. "I could ask the girls," he jerked a thumb over at the other campsite. "I don't think they'd mind."

You shrugged. So long as they didn't invite themselves along with you, you didn't care. "Okay, I'm taking my camera this time. I forgot last time."

"Yes, and you wouldn't shut up about it," Rey chastised and you rolled your eyes. "It's really not that fun following you around when you're too busy filming things to carry on a proper conversation. Besides, you got to film me falling on my ass so I think I more than made up for it."

You had fallen on your ass and luckily, the only thing slightly bruised was your ego. At Rey's suddenly raucous laughter, your expression soured and your scowl deepened when she pulled out the camcorder to show Finn and Poe. "That tree root came out of nowhere," you defended as you watched them howl at your expense. Your face flushed crimson when Kylo stood and went to stand beside Poe, prompting Rey to replay it for him. You could hear yourself yelp as you fell and he looked up and smirked at you. You shifted around in your chair and grumbled to yourself.

It wasn't that embarrassing. You'd tripped plenty of times and fallen. Usually, you laughed along with whoever was around to witness your misfortune. In fact, you could hear yourself laughing and snorting as you lay prone on the forest floor while Rey tried to tell you to get up through her own fit of laughter. But it was really humiliating, having him see you do that. You weren't sure why, but you didn't want him seeing you act so stupidly, even if it was something of a regular occurrence.

"I'm gonna go change," you huffed, shoving an entire granola bar in your mouth. You stomped off and into the tent, pulling off and pulling on clothes. When you re-emerged, Poe was headed over to the co-eds' camp and Rey was busy changing out the tape in her camcorder. Finn was packing a backpack full of water, snacks, and other gear you would need.

Not even halfway through the hike, you'd fallen behind, content just to stare out at the trees and listen to the birds chirp. Hand stuffed in your pockets, you scuffed along, smiling any time Poe and Finn's intense bantering reached your ears. Rey was the farthest ahead of the group, barking intermittently at the boys to stop being so loud as they were scaring all the wildlife away. It was only partly true; there was a pair of squirrels that had no problem fighting over an acorn not three feet away from you and you stopped to watch, too enraptured by their fierce yet comical battle to even think to photograph it until nearly halfway through.

You watched them race up and down the trees and tussle in the dirt, a furious ball of tails that chittered angrily. Wide-eyed and smiling so hard it hurt, you didn't even noticed that you couldn't hear the others as they'd trailed farther and farther away from you. One of the squirrels managed to get ahold of the acorn and tore up a nearby pine tree, the second racing after it and they were gone. You snorted in amusement as you finally turned back toward the trail and paused; your friends were nowhere in sight. "Well, fuck."

"Yeah, you should really pay more attention to your surroundings."

To say you jumped would be a vast understatement. The shock of finally realizing Kylo had been leaning against the tree almost directly behind you that entire time without you even being aware of it had you bent over with your head between your legs taking in deep breaths. The corners of his mouth were beginning to twitch as he took in your disheveled state.

"Where'd everybody go?"

He shrugged in that infuriating manner of his and you couldn't help frowning at him. "We should head back to the campsite. They're way ahead of us."

Your frown turned into an outright scowl. "No way, I don't want to end up stuck with those girls," you huffed falling against the tree beside him. "They're loud...and rude."

Kylo merely hummed in agreement as he looked down at you. Unable to stand the intensity of his stare, you cast your eyes toward the ground, eyes catching on his wrist. He was still wearing the friendship bracelet you gave him.

* * *

You'd eventually gone back to the campsite after leaning against the tree in silence had gotten so awkward neither of you could stand it and now you were busying yourself with sorting through your belongings in the tent while you listened to the co-eds prattle on about school and how hot they thought the boys were. One of them was down by the shoreline giggling like the airhead she was while Kylo attempted to teach her how to skip stones. It was the blonde who'd implied you were fat the night before. And you definitely disliked her the most out of the bunch.

By the time everyone else filtered back into the campsite, you were feeling drained and tense and you did not intend to come out of your tent at all. Rey would have to fend for herself, but when you didn't hear her speaking, you realized she'd also retreated for the night. You huffed to yourself. The co-eds we're officially ruining it for the two of you. If they were so hard up for some action, why hadn't they brought some frat boys with them?

You were absolutely fuming with rage once darkness had settled in. It was muggy and hot outside and only marginally cooler inside the tent and you'd forgotten to pack your iPod and therefore had no way to drown out the high-pitched giggling and squealing directly outside your tent and it was too loud for you to concentrate on reading. You'd managed to distract yourself for a little over half an hour by looking through the pictures you'd gotten of the squirrels on the hike earlier, but once you were done, you were back to square one, scowling up at the darkened ceiling of your tent.

You unzipped the lower portion of the tent flap in a desperate bid to cool down the sweltering temperature inside the tent, but it seemed to provide no relief and you'd stripped down to just your underwear and the smallest tank top you'd packed, which was already soaked almost all the way through with sweat. You tossed your arms up over your head and spread your legs out over the sleeping bag, shifting your position every few minutes as you tried to get comfortable. You were absolutely miserable, but you knew that if you could just relax, you'd be able to fall asleep in no time and you rolled over and buried your face in the only cool portion of your pillow left. That seemed to be the only relief you needed as your body slowly relaxed and you hummed into sleep several minutes later.

It was like an alarm clock to you now; the sound of the zipper sliding open and Kylo crawling stealthily in. He paused halfway across the threshold and you vaguely wondered what he was doing, but then hoped he'd stay there longer when some of the cool night air filtered in and slipped across your heated skin. You let out a happy sigh and sank back into the dark abyss of sleep.

But the inky blackness of slumber didn't last long. Something long and broad languidly slithered across your bottom. One long lingering caress that slid sinuously over your backside and left gooseflesh in its wake as your sluggish mind began to rouse. Your breath hitched when it curved around your hip. It felt familiar and yet foreign at the same time. Color was beginning to seep in through the darkness, thrumming red and brilliant as your skin began to tingle. Whatever it was, it felt so real as it trailed firmly up your ribcage and enveloped one of your breasts as a second unseen phantom snaked under you and molded itself to your other breast. You let out a soft moan as they began to knead against your sensitive flesh and the familiar presence grew and surrounded you. The heat from it was stifling as it started in your extremities, burned into your nerve endings, and traveled inward to pool in your lower abdomen and throb dull and anxious. That throb wanted something and you knew exactly what it was. It wanted release.

Becoming restless with arousal, you shifted your legs apart to try and relieve yourself of some of the friction, letting out a whimper at the way your nipples inexplicably pinched and rolled. The press against your right breast was released, and you felt yourself begin to relax as your body attempted to fall back into dreamlessness, but it was not be as that very same pressure reappeared between your thighs, pushing and rubbing and creating that friction your heat had silently been begging for. Color burst across your closed eyelids and your mind pleaded with you to give in. _Let us have this_ , it whispered sinfully. It wanted a face to go along with the phantom touch it had supplanted in your mind. The vague form your mind begged for began to take shape, molding into the semblance of the masculine form your body was yearning to take pleasure in.

The pressure between your legs took shape. Long fingers rubbed against your sensitive folds through your cotton underwear, tracing the wetness that seeped through the fabric and you rocked your hips into it, searching for more. The pulsating ache began to increase as it pushed you further along. The fog had almost cleared from your mind and you were singularly aware of the heady need your body was consumed with. You pushed your own hand between your legs to alleviate some of ache of it, but those fingers were already sliding under your panties and sinking into wetness. You began to writhe in earnest, you're mind finally coming fully to awareness as you tried to look over your shoulder with heavy lidded eyes. What you saw punched the air out of your lungs and had you moaning low in your throat.

It was Kylo behind you, his eyes blacker than night, with two fingers buried past the knuckle inside you. You let out some sort of choked sob, biting your lip to stifle the sound as you shuddered and your walls contracted around his digits. It felt so fucking good.

"Kylo," you managed in a shaky voice that was barely above a whisper that caught at the back of your throat.

"Everyone's still awake," he told you, his voice hushed and much deeper than usual, "You need to be quiet."

You opened your mouth to speak again, but found yourself giving a silent cry of pleasure instead when he crooked his fingers extra hard inside you.

"You really want to talk now," he asked, almost harshly, "when you can just continue to let me finger fuck you instead?" You bit your lip and pressed you face hard into your pillow with a moan as he withdrew his fingers and slowly began to drag the pad of his middle finger up and down against your slit. "Well, do you," he asked, nipping at your shoulder as he applied more pressure and your body writhed. You shook your head wildly. No, you didn't want him to answer you if it meant he would stop, which had you very bewildered and ashamed. But you didn't want to actively stop him. If you did, the rapid build up of sharp, maddening pleasure he was instilling in you would come to an abrupt halt and that simply could not happen. Your vision had completely blurred by this point.

Normally, when you touched yourself, it took several minutes to work up to the level of arousal you were now experiencing, but he had you throbbing with it in seconds.

Kylo yanked his left hand free of your tank top when you moaned a little too loudly for either of your liking. You could hear the others right outside where they were still laughing and chatting around the fire. Kylo shushed you before bringing his hand up to clamp it over your mouth as he slowly rolled on top of you, pinning your chest against the ground. "I can't trust you to be quiet," he whispered in your ear, though you barely heard him. All you could focus on was the press of his finger as it continued to move up and down, pace quickening with every pass he made over your clit. With a muted grunt, Kylo pressed the palm of his hand up against your pubic bone, lifting you up further onto your knees and then yanked your underwear down around the backs of your thighs. All traces of coherent thought left your mind as you sobbed in relief when you finally, finally, _finally_ felt his fingers begin to probe your cunt a second time.

"You're so fucking wet," he hissed sinking one long digit inside you then bringing it up to swirl your juices around your sensitive nub in a way that had you gripping your pillow and bucking your hips into him. He began to pump two fingers into you hard and fast, crooking them and hitting that one spot that had you seeing stars and it wasn't until he growled into you ear, "Fuck, you ride my hand so well," that you noticed that you had been thrusting back against him wantonly, the fingers of your very own hand wrapped around his wrist as you thumb rested over his, guiding his movements against your swollen clit to urge him on. All you could feel was Kylo pushing you closer and closer the edge.

 _Please, please, please,_ you begged incoherently. You mind was gone. All that was left was Kylo and the exquisite havoc he was wreaking on your body. You wanted all of it if it meant it would bring you the release he was so generously offering you. Anything he was willing to give to you, you would gladly take if it meant he would keep his hands on you and push you further and further along towards that peak you were striving to reach. You were almost there.

As if sensing your urgency, Kylo licked at the shell of your ear while he pressed down hard on your engorged clit. "You need to cum all over my fingers. Right. Fucking. _Now_."

The coil that had wound so tightly, built up to something so powerful and raw, finally snapped and your entire body shuddered and jerked as you let out a muffled cry, tears leaking from the corners of your eyes while Kylo worked you through it, the fingers that he had still buried inside you slowing their pace and pumping in and out gently. He lifted his hand from your mouth, wiping at your tears as he did so and then released you, before leaning back over to help you roll onto you back. Your legs were shaking hard and your chest heaving as you stared up at him through heavy-lidded eyes and you watched as he moved down your body. Kylo slid your underwear all the way off your legs, massaging your calves as he did so. He tossed the small bit of fabric over his shoulder and it landed on the pile of clothes he'd accumulated in his corner of the tent.

When he continued to lower himself closer and closer, you frantically shook your head at him. There was no way you could take anymore. It was simply too much and it had been too intense. "I can't-"

Kylo rubbed his hand up and down your thigh. "I know," he told you as he lifted your leg up to rest on his shoulder. "I'm just going to clean up the mess we made."

"Fuck," you whined as you watched him slowly lick and suck at your inner thighs. He pulled his mouth away long enough to mumble against you, "You taste good."

You gaped openly at him, covering your mouth with your hand to keep from screaming when he licked a broad stripe up your pussy and then rolled his tongue against your over-sensitized clit. He pulled away then, smacking one hand against your bare ass as he moved from between your legs and settled beside you on the sleeping bag, one hand behind his head as the two of you stared up into the surrounding darkness of the tent.

Now that your mind had begun to clear, the gravity of your transgressions began to set in and a pit began to form in your stomach. What did this mean? For you? For him? How were you supposed act around him and the others? How were you supposed to act around your sister when you finally saw her again? How could you ever look her in the eye? Shame washed through you in turbulent waves and you felt horribly dirty now. What felt so good and so right moments ago now seemed reprehensible and disgusting in hindsight. Did Kylo feel the same way now? You couldn't bring yourself to ask him. You couldn't even bring yourself to look at him out of the corner of your eye.

Which is why it surprised you when he reached his hand out and, finding yours, wove his finger through yours and cradled it in his, thumb pressed in the center of your palm. It gave you the courage to turn your head toward him and you pressed a delicate kiss against his shoulder, unsure of what you even meant by it. You refused to pull away, though, resting your forehead against him and your breath hitched when you felt him tilt his head to rest it against your crown.

You would ask your questions in the morning. You would worry about the consequences when they inevitably came. For now, you would sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm sorry if the smut sucked. If you need matches, I'll provide them as compensation for all the time you just wasted on this chapter.


	5. What's Said and What Isn't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You finally speak your mind, but that doesn't mean it's going to get you anywhere with figuring out the walking and rarely talking enigma that is Kylo Ren. And is it just you, or is your ass bigger than it was last summer?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Okay. So, yay for me not sucking at writing smut. I'm honestly happy you guys liked it because, for this fic, I have to write more. I've always felt it's important for a character like Kylo Ren, who very clearly is one of those people who conveys meanings and intentions and emotions through action rather than words. Unfortunately for me, I have a very hard time writing it. So it take three times as long to write a chapter than usual for me. And I like to have the next chapter written before I post one, so that's why you've had a longer wait. Yes, the next chapter has smut. However, this one doesn't. It's basically reader's delayed reaction to Kylo's ninja-fingerbanging her.

You weren't sure what you had expected the next morning, because last night you'd known not to expect Kylo to perform any actions that could be misconstrued as affection. But to wake up and stumble out of the tent and be completely ignored by him? Yeah, that definitely put a healthy dent in your self-esteem. And you'd thought yesterday's breakfast was awkward? Well, today's was sheer torture.

Grilled cheese for breakfast again and there you were trying desperately not to watch as Kylo licked a string of melted cheese off his finger. One of _the_ fingers that-No, you weren't thinking about that. That had been a been a bad decision on both your parts. Best case scenario, he had come to the same conclusion and was now ignoring you because he wanted to make it clear that it wasn't happening again, which you were totally in agreement with. Lila may have currently been cheating on Kylo, but that didn't mean you had to be the one to help him cheat on her. There was a campsite full of co-eds that could help him out with that. Worst case scenario, he was just being his usual, angsty self. Bottom line, you had no idea what was going in his warped brain and you didn't care to know. All you cared about was trying to keep from staring at those fingers of his and remembering just what it was they could do to your body.

So, you glared at Poe, who raised a challenging eyebrow at you as if to ask, "Can I help you?"

Well, that meant that now you were the one acting like an angsty little shit and that just wouldn't do. So, you glared at your breakfast and kept your mouth shut.

"The girls invited us to go swimming with them," Poe said finally, prompting Rey to immediately begin rolling her eyes. Noticing your less than enthused grimace Poe gave you a beseeching look. "Oh, come on, it sounds fun."

"If they invite us to go jump off a bridge tomorrow, do I have to do that, too," you asked petulantly. Rey brought her hand up to cover her smirk as she bit at her thumb nail, while Poe squinted at your sour attitude. "Why are you being such a cockblock?"

"I didn't say you couldn't go, I just implied that I don't want to." When he continued to half-heartedly glare at you, you let your head fall back against the back of your chair. "If you want to go, go. I'm not going to stop you-"

"Yeah, but you're my friend and I'm up here to spend all my time with my friends and that doesn't work if you're not there."

"I don't want to go, either," Rey put in and Poe swiveled around to gape at her. "What? Are you serious?"

"Yes, I'm serious! I'm not going if she's not going."

Poe turned his attention back to you. "Okay, now you really have to go because if you don't go then Rey and Finn won't go!" He darted a glance to your right. "And neither will Ren."

"Bullshit, Finn and Kylo will totally go; they're not gonna cockblock themselves out of some misguided sense of nobility!" You fought the urge to scowl at the twinge of annoyance and disappointment you felt thinking about Kylo fooling around with one of two blondes at the nearby campsite.

"And me and Ren can think for ourselves, Dameron," Finn managed around a mouthful of poptart. But as you predicted, he cut his eyes over to Rey and then added, "but I'd rather stay here and do...stuff."

Kylo let out a soft scoff beside you and you pinched your lips together between your teeth to keep from laughing at the disbelieving look Poe cast toward his friend. "Stuff? _Stuff?!_ What stuff? What stuff is it you want to do that's more exciting than hanging out with a bunch of wet and nearly naked girls?"

"Oh, my God," you cried in exasperation, "if I go, will you shut the hell up? You have no idea how desperate you sound right now."

Poe flashed you a dazzling smile as he jumped up and clapped his hands together. "Awesome! You'll talk me up, right?"

You gave him a thumbs up, smiling even as you rolled your eyes. "You do have condoms, though, right?"

"Fuck."

Rey smacked her knee as she burst out laughing. "Oh, that's just great, you complaining about her cockblocking you and you wind up cockblocking yourself!"

"I didn't think I'd need any!"

Finn smacked his hands down on the arm of his chair. "Are we going swimming or not?"

"Well, now I want to go," Rey laughed and you couldn't help grinning right along with her. "Yes, that sounds much more entertaining than staying here and doing... _stuff_."

That had Finn howling with laughter right along with her and you could even see Kylo beginning to smirk out of the corner of your eye. You snapped your fingers and pointed at Rey. "And we can film it for posterity!"

Poe threw his hands up in the air and flopped back in his chair. "Why do I hang out with any of you."

"Because you love us and we're amazing," Rey told him, camcorder trained on him. Poe slumped further down in his seat and rested his cheek on his hand. "That is _highly_ debatable."

* * *

You hadn't been able to find the swimsuit top that went with your bottoms and so you'd had to improvise by mix and matching the red boy-short bottoms with a black string bikini top. Now you were rethinking that decision. Did it make you look fat? You hadn't cared before when you'd been packing, but now as you sat in your tent staring at your swimwear laid out before you, you couldn't stop yourself from wondering how you would look compared to all those other girls. Their boobs would probably fill out your bikini top better than you ever would. And was it your imagination or had your butt gotten bigger than it was when you'd tried on those bottoms?

It was fine. Maybe you could come up with some sort of excuse to sit on the shoreline and keep your shirt and shorts on. You'd bring a book and pretend you just wanted to read. No, not pretend. You _did_ want to read. You'd read and ignore all the skinny, big-boobed perfect girls that fawned over Poe and Finn and Kylo. Which wouldn't be hard to do because you totally did not want to see any of that. Or see Kylo dripping wet and shirtless, which was something you had not at all thought about. Nope.

Oh, fuck, you were totally thinking about it. How many times had you seen Kylo shirtless during Senior year of high school and pretended it was really Ben you were ogling? You let out a dreamy sigh as you remembered how his muscles had bulged as he'd mulched his mother's flower bed the previous summer. Wow, how had you forgotten about that? Wait, no, it was good that you'd forgotten about that. You were going to forget it again. Right. Now. Whining softly to yourself, you finally put your swimsuit on and pulled your tee-shirt and shorts on, wondering if you looked as depressed and unsure of yourself as you felt.

For the billionth time, you wondered just what in the hell you had been thinking inviting him along on this trip. As you crawled out of your tent, you were chagrined to find Rey pointing her camcorder at you. "You're taking that with you aren't you?"

"What better excuse to stay out of the water than to say I can't stop filming and it isn't waterproof," she exclaimed proudly and you frowned in disgust. Hoisting your small bag up on your shoulder, you cringed inwardly, lip drawn up in snarl as you noticed that the boys were not in your camp, but at the co-eds' camp, girls clinging from every arm. "Well, they don't waste any time, do they?"

"Not at all," Rey agreed and her tone was surprisingly frosty as she followed your gaze. She flashed you a smile that looked suspiciously apologetic which was confusing considering her next words. "At least we have each other to keep company. Not a total loss, right?"

"Right," you agreed as a sudden thought occurred to you and you held up a finger. "If you're bringing that, then I'll bring my cameras."

"Yes, do it!"

You gathered up your hardware and trailed along beside her as you joined the others. The pair of you were content to follow behind the rest of the group as you all wandered down the trail that led to a sort of lakeside picnic area. The shoreline was less rocky and much more even there. It wasn't hard to keep up conversation with Rey, even though trying to get her to reveal whether or not she'd chosen a suitable subject for her film was like pulling teeth. She continued to remain evasive, instead telling you what she was and wasn't going to keep out of the film.

"So have you given any thought to pursuing photography as an actual job?"

"What you mean, like, doing family portraits and taking pictures of newborns dressed in costumes," you scoffed as you ducked under a branch hanging too low over the trail, "Pass."

"You could always become a photojournalist."

"I don't know, I guess." You weren't exactly adverse to the idea, but you weren't very receptive to it either. "I don't think I have the talent for it."

"Yes, you do. You just refuse to see it. I don't understand why." She pointed her camcorder up toward your face and then back toward the group that was still ahead of you and you could hear it as she began to zoom in on something. "Even most of the polaroids you take are fantastic."

You grunted, no longer willing to participate in the conversation. You simply weren't comfortable talking about it with Rey. Or anybody.

By the time the picnic area came into view, the girls were stripping and bouncing toward the shoreline.

"Is it completely awful of me to want one of them to faceplant," Rey asked and you chuckled, "Not at all."

"Let's sit at a table in the shade," she suggested, leading you to one of the tables where she sat down facing the lake after leaning her folded up tripod against the table top. You sat down on the other side and you both pulled out a bottle of water as you sat your towels down on the benches beside you. As you busied yourself with pulling out your cameras and checking them over, Rey hefted her camcorder up and pointed at you. "So, spill, what's it like sharing a tent with Kylo Ren? We all figured you'd be at each other's throats by now."

It was a wonder you didn't drop the camera you were holding and you really deserved an Oscar from the Academy with how nonchalant you sounded as you answered her. "Well, all we do in there is sleep. He's pretty pleasant when he's unconscious, you know?"

"Really? You guys don't talk about anything," she looked crestfallen for some strange reason and you gave her an odd look in return. "No, I'm always passed out whenever he gets in there and he's always up before me."

"Man, I was really hoping he'd open up to one of us when he said he'd come out here," she sighed. This surprised you, but you only shrugged. "Well, you know how he is, he's always been...aloof. I don't really think he's the type to open to anybody and it's been less than a week."

"Yeah, but I figured if he did open up to anybody it would be you," she replied as she aimed the camcorder off to the side, out toward the lake and zoomed in on something. You untwisted the cap on your water bottle and took a healthy swig. "The two of us don't really have that much in common that I know of and I don't really relish the idea of talking about my sister with him, you know?" Another pang of guilt shot through your chest and you clenched your hand around the bottle in your hand, making the plastic creak in protest. Why did you feel so guilty? It wasn't like Lila wasn't doing the exact same thing you had done. _Because it's still **wrong**_ , you chastised yourself mentally.

"Yeah, what's up with that? They're still together, right?"

"I mean, yeah, I guess so." You swallowed thickly, completely aware of how much you were leaving out, how much you were covering for him and now, you. The situation had been messy to start with, but now it was an absolute clusterfuck and you had no idea how you could ever bring yourself to admit it to someone else. It was already too much admitting it to yourself. You began to pick splinters of wood off the table as you slumped forward, resting your chin on the inside of your elbow. "I've never really understood that whole thing. They started dating in Junior year, but they weren't really. Like, they were basically just messing around all the time and then they just decided to become a thing at the start of Senior year."

"I never thought it was serious. I thought they would have broken up after graduation."

You shrugged. Again. "Maybe, but since they're going to the same college, I guess they decided to stick together?"

"Like, out of convenience," Rey asked, scrunching up her nose. "That's stupid."

"Well, Lila _is_ a dumbass. And who knows what the hell goes on in his head half the time."

Rey chortled at you and started to stand. "We should put some sunscreen on."

"We shouldn't need that much if we stay here in the shade."

"Oh, I'm totally going swimming," Rey informed you with a determined look as she started to squirt sunscreen in her hand and then slathered it on her arms. You blew out a puff of air. "I...okay, you go and I'll stay here and film stuff for you."

Rey stopped rubbing the sunscreen into the top of her shoulder and furrowed her brow at you. "Why don't you want to go swimming? I thought you liked swimming."

"I do," you assured her, shifting from foot to foot in front of her as you cast your gaze to the ground and fought to keep from blushing in embarrassment. "I just don't feel like it. Right now."

"Nice try. What's the real problem?"

You glowered at her, annoyed at her having exposed your harmless lie. "Okay, fine, I had to mix and match my suit and the bottoms definitely make my ass look fat."

She let out a tiny "Oh," before sighing your name as she frowned at the lake. "This isn't about that airhead telling you you eat too much, is it?"

You crossed your arms over your chest and pouted down at the ground. It was possible that had gotten to you more than you realized. "Maybe. And I might be feeling a little self-conscious because I don't want those girls looking at me and seeing me not look...like them?"

"What? You mean, look real and not full of plastic?" Rey let out another sigh and stared out at the lake with a somewhat sad expression on her face. "They do look pretty, don't they," she asked softly, watching as one of the girls giggled and playful splashed at Poe. Kylo leaned back and away to avoid the oncoming wave, a nearly frustrated scowl firmly set on his face as he kept his arms crossed over his chest. She heaved out a great breath and gave you the most upbeat smile possible. "Let's just ignored them and go swim down the shoreline a little bit. There's enough room that we can have some fun on our own, right?"

She held out the bottle of sunscreen, shaking it at you and you gave her a reluctant smile as you took it. You both finished lathering up and she hefted up her tripod, the pair of you traipsing off near the treeline with your supplies. "Oh hey, look at this path! Let's follow it and see where it goes."

It had you curious as well and you followed along, the two of you giggling as you nudged aside tree branches and overgrown bushes. The pathway veered off to the left where it began to widen into a small clearing that butted up against the waterline, the roots and packed dirt forming a low-hanging edge, and Rey bounced up and down on her tip-toes. "There's a tire-swing! Oh, my God, this is so much better than the picnic area."

You definitely agreed. Rey set her tripod up while you laid out your supplies nearby, spreading out your towel. Watching Rey affix her camcorder to the top of the tripod, you asked, "do you want to go first?"

"No, you go first, so I can make sure I have everything framed right. Oh, see if you can jump and make it onto the swing!"

You yanked your shirt over your head as you kicked off your shoes and shimmied out of your shorts. Inhaling sharply in preparation, you took of running toward the edge of the overhang and jumped, managing to snag the rope with both hands. You let out a high-pitched yelp as your feet and calves dipped into the icy water and the swing began to move back and forth and bobbed up and down with your added weight. Rey clapped and cheered for you as you pulled yourself up to sit on top of the swing, laughing long and loud.

"I didn't think you'd make it," she laughed along with you. You stuck your tongue out at her, grinning. "I dare you to do better when it's your turn."

Rey went back to lining up her camcorder and you began to rock back and forth, gaining some speed as you let the tips of your toes trail across the surface of the water. "It's really cold. I don't think I'll ever be able to get down!"

Finally finished setting up, Rey kicked off her shoes and settled on the edge, kicking her own feet back and forth. "It's so nice out here."

"Do you want to come back tomorrow? Maybe just the five of us?"

"Yes." She tilted her hand to the side and rolled her shoulders. "I think we should spend more time together, the five of us."

"Hey, Rey," you called, watching your toes swirl figure-eights through the water. "Once we graduate and you start making films. Do you think you'll ever get married and have kids?" It was something you'd always wondered. She gave a flippant shrug. "I haven't really given much thought to it. I guess, maybe some day, if it's ever something I end up wanting."

"So that's not something you want now? You're not sure?" Well, now that she mentioned it, you'd never really thought about it either. Whenever you'd daydreamed about romance it had been about the physical aspect of things, never the future. Was that bad?

"Is that something you want?"

"I hadn't really thought about it until I asked you," you admitted, shrugging your own shoulders. She quirked an eyebrow at you. "Really, even when you liked Ben?"

You mirrored her expression, bewildered as well. "No, I guess I never really thought farther than graduation when it came to...anything."

Rey pursed her lips thoughtfully as she watched you swing back and forth and you felt immeasurably uncomfortable. This was as close as you'd come to telling her how lost you felt when it came to shaping your own future, finding where it was you belonged in the world. Rey already knew where it was she belonged and you didn't really think she'd understand what a lonely and depressing spot you were in.

"For the record, your bottoms make your butt look fantastic!"

You fidgeted on your perch. "I disagree. I for sure know I gained weight because I feel like I have the mother of all wedgies right now." You wiggled again for emphasis and Rey rolled her eyes as she smiled at your antics. "No, you look fine. It looks good on you."

"Well, thanks for the ego boost, I guess." You tugged at the seat of your swimsuit bottoms. "I'm not kidding, this is kind of uncomfortable."

"You know what they say, beauty is pain, dahling," Rey joked, and snorted out a laugh at that as you leaned back and swung in a wide circle. Unfortunately for you, you leant too far back and toppled backward into the water with a loud splash and a louder shriek, sending Rey into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. Flailing to the surface, you took a gasping breath and swiped water from your face as you watched Rey fall back in the dirt, clapping and laughing so hard she was beginning to cry. Unable to stop yourself, you laughed along with her, tears coming to your own eyes. Her face was crimson and quickly turning purple. "Oh, my God, Rey, it wasn't that funny."

That only served to make her laugh harder and cackling, she pointed at you. "But your face! The look on your face!"

You flicked some water up at her and she shied away, still a giggling mess. "Well, I'm happy to entertain."

You shook your head and grabbed onto the tire swing, slowly climbing your way up to stand on it.

"Please don't fall again or I'll end up pissing myself."

"Well, that just makes me want to." You smirked and leant sideways when she chucked a stick at you. She leaned back on her elbows and kicked out her feet, pointing her toes as she did so. You watched as she flexed her feet and rolled her ankles, picking a piece of grass off her shorts before she asked you in a disinterested manner, "So, what's it like sharing at tent with him? Really."

You stared at her for a moment, narrowing your eyes. You weren't sure, but it seemed like Rey was digging for something. "I already told you. Why are you so interested?"

"No reason." She gave a careless shrug, but refused to meet your eyes and it took you a moment to realize you were making her uncomfortable with how hard you were staring at her. You dropped down to sit atop the tire swing and slapped the surface of the lake with the bottom of your foot and huffed out a breath. "We talked about school. Once. Back when we were at Poe's cabin. And that's pretty much it."

"What's he majoring in?"

"I didn't ask."

"You didn't ask?" She looked incredulous and you shrugged helplessly. "It didn't come up."

"But you were talking about school!"

Rey's brow furrowed and pursed her lips. She was doing that thing she did where she somehow just read people's reactions and thoughts in a certain moment that always freaked you and Finn out. _Shit, don't think about Kylo finger-banging the hell out of me. Don't think about Kylo finger-banging the hell out of me._ But now you were thinking of it, of him pinning you to the sleeping bag while your ground your hips against his hand as he rubbed at your clit and rammed his long, thick fingers in you at that maddeningly fast pace. Heat pooled in your belly and started traveling south instantly and you were absolutely mortified because even though you felt guilty and dirty for letting it happen, you'd _wanted_ it to happen. And you definitely wouldn't be adverse to the idea of it happening again. But you'd be damned if you ever told him that.

Why had you wanted it to happen? Why hadn't your immediate reaction been to shove him away from you and tell him not to touch you like that? Even when he'd spooned you the night before, you'd never even considered anything sexual. So, why had you been so receptive to his advances? Why had he even initiated anything? What if it was because he'd tried to hook up with one of the sorority girls and they'd shot him down? You really hoped that wasn't the case because that would be a massive blow to your ego.

You might not be a bombshell or even beautiful by society's standards, but you were good looking enough to garner plenty of attention from the opposite sex while on campus. And there was even that one time you'd made out with some random guy at a kegger Poe had dragged you to. Sure, he'd sucked on your tongue like a Hoover vacuum and you'd ended up with way more saliva in your mouth than you'd started out with, but, hey, that meant you were attractive. Right? They guy was no Kylo Ren, but...No. No, buts. You didn't even know if Kylo was a good kisser. He could be absolutely awful at it.

"You look like you've got something on your mind," Rey said, cutting through your less than R rated introspection. You cleared your throat and rubbed at the back of your neck. "Yeah, I guess. It's not a big deal."

"Do you think Poe was serious about hooking up with one of those girls?"

You half frowned at that. "Maybe, he's been a little off ever since he broke up with that girl half-way through first semester. Claudia? I think they had a really big blow out or something and he didn't take it too well."

"Yeah, I remember that. What was the issue?" She sat up and leaned forward, curious. You squinted, trying to recall the very beginning of the past year. "It was that first party we all went to together. You know, the one at the Kappa Sig house? You and Finn were talking to some people from some class you'd remembered seeing them in and Poe saw her and decided to chat her up. Since Finn wasn't there, I talked him up to her. He never really said much about it, but I don't think she liked that two of his best friends were girls."

"I thought he was always a little distant whenever she was around."

You nodded. "He really liked her, too."

"That sucks."

"Love is complicated." You ignored how your words had you immediately thinking of Kylo and the way he'd held you hand the night before. It had felt intimate, scarily so. Your heart thundered in your chest and you had trouble breathing for a moment. Why did it hurt to think about that? Why did it feel so good to hurt that way? What was wrong with you? This was wrong. Engaging with Kylo, the way you were beginning to, was wrong. So why did it feel like everything around you was collapsing when you told yourself you were putting a stop to it?

Groaning long and loud, you threw yourself backward off the tire-swing and into the water, submerging yourself in it's murky depths. You didn't want to have this be a problem. You hadn't asked for Kylo Ren Solo to waltz into your life and tear you apart like this. It had been so much easier for you when he'd just been that douchebag from your past that your sister was dating. But now, you weren't even sure what you thought he was anymore.

Rey was staring at you wide-eyed when you resurfaced. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," you insisted-more to yourself than to her-as you began to tread water on your back. Rey frowned openly at you. "No, it's something. What's going on?"

"I don't really want to talk about it," you told her, sounding as grumpy as you felt. "I don't even want to think about it, but I can't stop. I can't really tell you anyways. I promised."

"Promised who?"

Shit, you'd said too much. "Myself. Can we just drop it?"

The two of you continued to stare at each other, neither one of you willing to back down until you realized you were outmatched. You looked away first. "We should probably head back. The others might be wondering where we are. I'm gonna swim over now."

You didn't bother to wait for a response as you dipped back under the water and swam toward the others. When you reached them, you were somewhat breathless and your muscles ached enough that you were thinking about heading back to your tent to rest, but that plan was quickly cast aside because you couldn't think and you couldn't breathe. Kylo was the first to notice your return. His eyes nearly pinned you in place with the ferocity with which his dark eyes roamed over your form. One of the blondes was gabbing away at him, but he didn't seem to hear her as he watched you. His gaze was no less penetrating than any other time he'd taken to staring at you, but it was so much darker and full of heat. You pushed your sodden hair away from your face as you stared back at him, unable to look away. How could you? Nobody had ever looked at you in a way that had rendered you breathless. The water may have been cold, but it did nothing to cool the fire that was burning you up inside.

Somehow, maybe it was the particularly loud shriek from the redhead splashing around with Poe that broke whatever spell you'd been under, you managed to make yourself look away first and you waded closer to the shoreline. But you could feel his burning gaze on you, still.

"Where'd you get off to," Poe asked. The redhead had both her arms wrapped around his neck and he had one of his own wrapped around her waist. You smirked at him. "Some place awesome. Having fun?"

He gave you a cocky grin and then darted his eyes over to the redhead and then back at you, giving you a look that you knew all too well. You were sorely tempted to roll your eyes, but you'd said you'd help him out. So, you'd toss him a bone in hopes that'd he'd _get_ to bone. "You know, I think we could all go for some music tonight. Would you mind playing your guitar some?"

The redhead's eyes light up and she squeezed herself closer to him. "You can play the guitar?"

"Yeah," he said as he shot you another look, this one relaying just how grateful he was for your assistance. You shrugged the barest bit to show you were just doing your job as his wingman as you watched the redhead start to fawn over him even more. And, of course, Poe ate it up, turning the charm up to eleven.

 _Well, at least someone's having fun right now_ , you thought wryly to yourself as you watched Finn try to fend off one of the blondes while the other one moped while lounging on her towel on the shore. You didn't know what that was about. You swiped at some water trickling down the back of your neck as you looked at her. She'd been all over Kylo a couple minutes ago, but now she was pouting like a toddler who'd been told she couldn't have any candy before dinner. It wasn't a good look for her. The third girl, yet another blonde, was whispering to her in an almost consoling manner, but it didn't seem to be doing any good. When she glared daggers at you, you couldn't help but raise your eyebrows in surprise. What the hell had you done to have her look at you like that? Did you even want to know? She definitely look like the kind of girl to hold a grudge.

"What's this awesome place you ran off to?"

You had to give yourself credit for not having jumped when you heard his voice because he was _right there_ , up close. So close you could feel the heat radiating from his body against your back and arms. You did, however, twitch in surprise when you felt his hand curve around the back of your upper thigh. Your face felt flushed and very specific parts of your body-specifically the one closest to his hand that was situated between your legs-started to tingle and flood with warm. You had to fight the outrageous urge to lean back against him. You almost lost, but managed to catch yourself at the last moment. Kylo pressed closer to you in response. You glanced up and over toward the picnic area. Rey was busy setting up her tripod, camcorder pointed at Poe and Finn. The blondes on the shore weren't staring anymore, but they still didn't look happy.

"Me and Rey found a tire-swing," you said in a hushed voice, "but I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want the girls to decide to rush over there and start going there."

"You don't like them?"

"They're mean to Rey." And to a lesser extent, you, but you'd been successfully avoiding them for the past twenty-four hours. "Of course, I don't like them."

He let out a low hum in response and then gave you a gentle smack on the rear that was so quick you weren't even sure it had happened. "Come show me this tire-swing."

You blinked in surprise before breaking into a bemused grin as you watched him wade to the shore. "Are you actually going to get on it?" Truth be told, you couldn't imagine seeing Kylo Ren swinging back and forth on a tire-swing in a way that didn't look absolutely ridiculous. But if he was going to do it, you desperately wanted to see it.

He shrugged with his back to you as he called over his shoulder. "Are you coming or not?"

"Okay, wait up!" You hollered back as you skipped out of the water after him and led him over to the trail. He let you walk ahead of him. Knowing he was directly behind you, following you to a secluded area, your heart began to thud. You were going to be completely alone with him, you realized belatedly, swallowing thickly. You could feel his eyes on you as if it were an actual touch. It made your body burn. You tried to ignore it and when you reached the small clearing, you pointed to the water's edge. "There it i-"

Taking you completely by surprise, Kylo wrapped his arm around your waist and spun you in his arms. Alarmed, you brought your hands up to brace yourself and keep from stumbling, your mouth dropping open with the shock of it all and he took full advantage, his lips crashing into yours hard and fast. Kylo Ren was kissing you and you had no idea how or what to think anymore other than that he was _not_ a bad kisser. At all. Your body decided to take control for you. You pushed up on your tip-toes, one hand cupping his jaw as the other sank into his dark hair and began to pull at the damp strands. His chest started vibrating as he snaked his tongue into your mouth sinuously and it took a moment for you to register that he was growling.

The pleasure and excitement of eliciting a vocal response from such a stoic individual shot straight down to pool low in your abdomen. Hot and warm just like your skin as you let him plunder your mouth with his lips and tongue while his hands trailed fire all over your exposed skin. Keeping his lips on yours, he pulled away enough to grabbed onto the backs of your thighs and haul you up against him, wrapping your legs around his slender hips and you squealed into his mouth. You felt the corner of his mouth raise up against your own and it had you snickering momentarily as he started to paw at your back.

Feeling your bikini top loosen, you pulled away to catch his eye. "So, this is a thing now?"

Dipping his head to suck at your neck as you hung on to his shoulders loosely, he muttered against your flushed skin, "I thought that was obvious."

"With the way you were ignoring me this morning, it was far from it."

Kylo let out an annoyed huff at having his fun interrupted and pulled back enough to meet your inquisitive eyes. He shrugged, face solemn as it always was. "I didn't think you'd want anyone to think something was going on. You know, since everyone thinks I'm still with your sister."

"You _are_ still with my sister." Christ, why had you brought this up now?! The better option would have been to shove him away and remind him of it then instead of while he was busy trying to trail open-mouthed kisses up and down your neck.

"I'm not." He stopped sucking long enough to give you a small nip that had you squeezing his shoulders and pressing back into him against your will. "Y-you can't just say you aren't."

"Yes, I can," he disagreed, and he let out a noise that sounded suspiciously like a moan and you noticed then that you'd been slowly massaging the back of his neck. What the fuck? You'd barely been friends less than a week ago and now you were what? Friends with benefits? Maybe more? Most likely less.

"Damn it, Ren, stop," you snapped, pushing away from him and lowering your feet back on solid ground. "I'm really fucking confused right now. I have no idea what's going on or why we're doing this or-"

"Does it matter?"

Indignation flooded you as you retied the back of your top, "Yes! Doesn't it matter to you?"

Kylo leveled you with an unreadable look, scoffing. "You know, I thought your sister was the dense one. Clearly, I was wrong."

Clenching your hands into fists you glowered up at him with as much fury as you could muster. "Yes, insult me for asking you the same exact thing. That's real mature of you. This isn't exactly an ideal situation to be in with someone, so pardon me for being insecure about it. From now on, you can just fuck off and find someone else to play your little head games with."

you shoved past him and stalked your way down the path, ignoring anything and everything. Re-emerging from the woods and making sure no one was looking, you gathered your things and stormed back to your campsite, where you disappeared into your tent. Angry, hot tears rolled down your cheeks and you did nothing to stop them.

A lot had happened in such a short amount of time and it was hard to really comprehend it. You'd never fooled around with someone before and it seemed you'd picked the worst possible person to do that with for the first time. _Lesson fucking learned_ , you thought sullenly to yourself as you sniffled. You were now stuck in an untenable situation with no hopes of extracting yourself. There was no feasible way you could ask Rey to switch with Kylo. Then everybody would know something had happened and questions would be asked. And as upset as you were, you didn't want Kylo to get any shit for what had happened. It was as much your fault as his. You may not have encouraged his forward behavior but you damn well hadn't discouraged it, either.

"I'm an idiot," you whispered to yourself, wiping away your tears with your forearm, "and a horrible person."

Your chest ached and your stomach was tied tight in painful knots. You absolutely hated yourself in that moment. Falling back against your pillow, uncaring that your damp hair was soaking it with lake water, you stared listlessly for several minutes. Until the sound of feet shuffling toward your tent caught your attention and you rolled to face away from the unzipped flap. Regardless of who it was, you didn't want anyone to see you cry like this.

When they started to crawl inside, you tensed up and curled into yourself tighter. Why on earth had he followed you back here? To rub your stupidity in your face? It would be such a Kylo thing to do and you hated yourself for ever thinking he would be different with you like everyone else had been suggesting the past few days.

"I'm not playing games with you."

You openly scoffed at that, glaring in the opposite direction and you truly could feel the way he narrowed his dark eyes at you in irritation. "I'm _not_."

"Well, it feels like you are." You pressed your hands up closer to your face. "I don't know why you're doing this."

"Maybe I'm doing this because I want to."

You finally decided to ask the question you'd been pushing to the back of your mind all day. The one that you found to be terrifying in all aspects. "And why do you want to? So, you can get back at my sister?" The silence that filled the tent was oppressive and you clutched a hand around the corner of your pillow for some form of support. Tears welled up in your eyes again.

"You think I give a shit about getting back at your sister," he bit out harshly and you bodily flinched. But Kylo being Kylo, he didn't back down. "I've been over that for months. This has nothing to do with that!"

You slammed your hand down on your pillow and shot up to face him, glaring just as hard as he was. "Well, how was I supposed to know?! You dropped a fucking bomb on me out of nowhere and then you're suddenly trying to get in my pants! What was I supposed to think? How was I supposed to feel about it? Because I don't know! I don't know what I should think or feel and you absolutely suck at using your words like a fucking adult! You never gave me the time of day before, why the hell should I believe you suddenly want to now?"

Kylo was the first to look away from you, and you sat dumbfounded as you watched him turn half-way away from you and draw one knee up to sit. You watched him rake one hand through his hair in frustration as he side-eyed you for a fraction of a second. He ran both hands over his face and finally turned his head to fully look at you. "Why does it matter to you?"

It was such a loaded question and you couldn't help but feel yourself begin to get defensive. You lowered your gaze to watch as he braced his hand against the sleeping bag. "Why doesn't it matter to you," you asked, trying to deflect and put the focus back on _him_ and _his_ motives.

"I never said it didn't."

"You never said it did, either," you mumbled into your knees. He rubbed at his face again and kept his gaze trained on the wall of the tent as he mumbled out his own reply. "I didn't think I had to." You felt like there was so much he was telling you, but so much he wasn't with those words. So succinct, yet so cryptic. So much the Kylo Ren you were beginning to know and understand in ways you hadn't expected.

You bit your lip pressed your nose into your kneecap as the knots in your stomach tightened and your chest started to flutter with a faintly fuzzy feeling that had you curling your toes. "So, this is more than just a thing. Is what you're telling me."

He gave you a glaring look, lips drawn in a thin line, but it did nothing to dampen the inexplicable hope rising in your chest as you hesitantly scooted closer to him. The guarded look on his face faltered as you moved closer and he finally pulled his hand away from his face to study you, watching closely as you inched closer and closer. Once you were close enough, you lurched forward, head-butting him in the shoulder. It was an awkward way to respond, but the whole argument had been awkward and uncomfortable and you were hoping he would appreciate the fact that you were having just as difficult a time as he was.

You cast your gaze up toward him through your eyelashes, nibbling at your lower lip and worried as to what his reaction would be. There was a glint of humor in his brown eyes, nearly hidden from the mass of dark hair that cloaked his face and you gave a small smile as you fell sideways and landed with a grunt on your pillow. "Let's just ignore this whole thing," you proposed, keeping your gaze firmly on his forearm, "just go back to doing whatever it is we're doing."

Following your lead, he stretched out beside you and let out a deep breath. "Fine by me."

You thought for a moment, that you had said the wrong thing, but then Kylo Ren reached over to cup your knee with his hand. You still didn't really know what he truly thought about you or whether or not he was in any way serious about anything-and you weren't, either (were you?)-and you just knew that this was all going to blow up in everyone's faces and you would take the brunt of it. But you knew you didn't want to stop it; whatever it was, you were going to hold onto it because when you focused on it, you forgot about everything else and it made things seem bearable.

So, you put your hand atop his and shifted closer as your eyes slid closed and then shot open as you had a sudden thought. Just how was it more than just a thing? Did that mean more than just a "one-time thing" or there was a future there? If it was the second, there was no way he could expect that to work out and you didn't want one. Did that mean you were stringing him along? Or was he stringing you along? All you'd wanted were some answers, but now you were more lost and confused then before you'd decided to open your mouth. It needed to end. Why, for the love of God, couldn't you bring yourself to do it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know Poe and Finn are kind of background characters at this point and so is Rey, to a much smaller degree, but my plan is that the closer Kylo and the reader get, the closer he gets to everyone else and they'll feature much more closely as the story progresses. 
> 
> I hope this chapter was to your liking. If so, let me know. If not, let me know. I enjoy all feedback. If you catch any errors, you can drop a comment just to point them out and I'll fix them. Again, I hope this chapter lived up to your expectations and you're willing to stick it out to the end!


	6. A Shift in Character or a Change of Heart?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo may say he's not playing games, but he still manages to do your head in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm not done with Chapter 7, but a lot of real life crap kind of just popped up out of nowhere and took over and I felt really shitty about not being able to get it written up so I could post this sooner (I like to have the next chapter written before I post the current), so I'm posting it now. And it's got smut in it, so I'm worried it probably sucks, but that's a thing in this sort of fic and you guys really liked it last time. Plus, it's kind of important. Again. So, I'm sorry it took so long to post this. I hope you like it.

When you awakened, it was because Rey was shaking the shit out of you, telling you to get your lazy ass up so you could eat dinner with the rest of them. You pulled your hoodie on over your swimwear and tugged on a pair of shorts before crawling out of your tent and toeing on some flip-flops. Rubbing at your tired eyes with your fists, you dropped down in your chair and suppressed a yawn, blinking wearily. "'Kay, what'd I miss?"

You did a head count and then decided a recount was in order. "Where's Poe?"

"He's, uh, gathering firewood," Finn managed to stumble out as he tried not to laugh. You furrowed your brow and glanced over at the pile of wood you had gathered near the edge of the circle. "Um..." You'd just have to wait for it. Finn was laughing like you were missing out on something you should clearly know and you were just not getting. "Wait, is that your way of telling me he's flogging his log?"

"What," Finn chortled, sitting forward in his seat. He looked like he was starting to have trouble breathing and Rey was starting to turn red. "I really don't think it's polite to talk about others'...personal behavior when they're in private."

"It's masturbation, Rey, everybody does it." Yes, just announce it to the world that your like to masturbate...in front of the guy you're fooling around with, who happens to be your sister's maybe-sort-of ex-boyfriend, who's so emotionally constipated he can't express his feelings without attacking someone with his words or his tongue...who you were now thinking about masturbating. There was no way in hell you were looking at him for the next five years.

Rey had her camcorder glued to her face again and you narrowed her eyes at her and Finn, the latter of which had a mean-spirited gleam in his eye as he asked, "You including yourself in that?"

"Well, I did say 'everybody', didn't I," you snapped back waspishly, crossing your legs and flicking your sandal against the bottom of your foot in consternation. "so, where's the food? I'm hungry."

"Burger or dog," Finn asked, still grinning. It was a wonder you weren't cross-eyed with how you managed to narrow your eyes further. "Burger."

With the absence of the sorority girls and Poe, which had you finally putting two and two together, the atmosphere surrounding the campfire was much more relaxed and subdued. You munched on your burger lazily, one leg thrown over the arm of your chair, toes still flicking your flip-flop against the sole of your foot as you watched Rey and Finn talk production value of big budget blockbusters.

You jerked to look to your right when your flip-flop was yanked from your foot and watched, mouth ajar as Kylo hurled it through the flap of your tent over the back of his chair. You would have been pissed, but you were too caught up in watching the muscles of his arms and back pull taut during the follow-through. You were now thirsty and you reached for your water bottle.

"That was rude."

"You're being annoying." Now that you were no longer thirsty, you were sorely tempted to slap him across the face. A few times. In rapid succession. You squinted at his profile. He'd probably like that. You gulped down some more of your water. "So, you counter it by being an ass?"

"Finish your food," he ordered, finally turning to look at you and he really did look annoyed with you just then. There was the pissy little shit you knew and previously abhorred. Maintaining eye contact, you swiveled sideways in your chair to face him, tossing your other leg up over the arm of your chair and started to flick your remaining shoe against the bottom of your foot as loudly as possibly. And you didn't stop, not even when he slowly leaned toward you and plucked from your foot. He held the offending footwear up, gazed locked with yours as you both battled for dominance, and then he tossed it toward the tent with its mate.

Okay, round two, then. With your eyes firmly set on his black gaze, you lifted your water bottle in your hands and squeezed, causing the plastic to wheeze and creak much louder than any noise you'd made with your shoes as you took a patronizingly large bite of your burger, chomping obnoxiously as you did so. You squeezed your water bottle more harshly as you watched with a great deal of satisfaction when Kylo's nostril's flared and he started to scowl.

You swallowed and smirked to yourself as he fumed in silence. You'd won and he'd just have to get over it. The silence between you that ensued, was meant to be awkward and tension filled on his part, you were sure of it. But the relief of finally being able to relax and spend time with your friends was enough that you could readily ignore his caustic stare while you watched Finn and Rey discuss what classes they were taking next semester. Rey offered him her spare camcorder so he could watch some footage from the first hike the pair of you had taken, laughing good naturedly when Finn ribbed her for taking too long filming a Blue Jay that was sitting on a tree branch doing nothing interesting.

You felt mellow; your peaceful mood enhanced by the campfire you were finally being allowed to enjoy for the first time in a couple nights. It helped you to empty out your mind and drift in and out of the present without feeling like you were being pulled in any certain direction. You were just floating along, observing the world around you.

As it was with every other night, you were the first to turn in. You peeled of your hoodie and dropped it across your stomach, content to lie with your feet flat against the ground, legs swaying back and forth as you finally thought about the upcoming school year and what classes you should enroll in. _Maybe Rey's right,_ you considered cautiously _,_ no sense of the usual anxiety creeping in _,_ _Maybe I should take some photography classes._

Pulling on the cord of your hoodie as you mulled it over, you looked over when Kylo appeared not a half hour later. You thought about telling him about the photography classes, but decided against it. It wasn't that you didn't want to share it with him. You just weren't sure he would want to know in case he felt like you were taking your first steps down your own path, leaving him at the proverbial crossroads alone. Instead, you watched wordlessly as he zipped up the tent and crawled toward you, pulling your hoodie off your stomach and tossing it on top of your other things. For some reason, it made you smile and you blushed when he reached up to grab the back of his shirt and pull it over his head. You bit your lip to keep from grinning.

You felt really giddy and full of energy now. You didn't dread what was to come with these encounters anymore. There had been a level of discomfort before that you'd been unaware of, having never been in such a convoluted situation before, but interactions with Kylo were only as awkward as you made them. This was something you'd realized while out by the campfire. Kylo acted no differently toward you than he always had. It was you who pushed at him and made things difficult, disregarding the notion that Kylo was going through his own issues and working through them in the same sense that you were. It was wholly possible you'd taken it out on him by resorting to create some form of conflict instead of confronting your own inner turmoil and need for control. He'd already given up a portion of his own much coveted and prized control by approaching you in the first place. Couldn't you do the same for him?

Also, why pass up the chance to look at him shirtless? You sat up far enough to pull the string of your bikini top and discard it along with your hoodie. You bit your lip harder to keep from blushing and giggling self-consciously. Kylo had never seen you topless. Nobody had ever seen you topless. But Kylo seemed to be very pleased with the sight as he bent down over you, forcing you to fall back against the pillows behind you as he hovered, braced above you. When he kissed you, it was slow and soft and not at all like it had been earlier in the day. It felt different; like something was shifting. Maybe it was his way of acknowledging that you were giving up some of your control so that you could both be considered equal in this? But that was a thought you couldn't put too much focus on as you cupped his face in your hands and let his tongue slide and slip against yours as one kiss turned into two and he bent lower to trail the same soft and slow kisses from your chin straight to your chest.

His dark hair brushed against your nipples and had you snorting out a quiet laugh. It tickled and you slapped a hand over your mouth to keep from laughing more. You felt him let out a huff of air through his nose against your breastbone; you'd made him laugh. A rarity. Something much too similar to affection swelled in your chest and you stomped it out quickly, placing all your attention on the sensation his full lips against your skin created. It was warm and getting warmer, turning into a burn as he continued to travel south. It was getting harder and harder not to squirm as you watched him draw one hand up and begin to unbutton your shorts.

You let out a shuddery sigh as he brought both hands to your hips, eyes focused on your face as you willingly lifted your hips and watched him pull both your shorts and swimsuit bottoms down your thighs and over the bends of your knees, his knuckles raking faintly against your skin. Your breath hitched as he ran his hands down the inside of your thighs and your muscles twitched in anticipation. You couldn't resist closing your eyes momentarily as his hand came into contact with your cunt and he messaged it; you were throbbing and your chest was heaving. He watched you through it all, his own chest rising and falling in rapid succession.

You were absolutely panting now and it was getting so hard not to moan out loud every time he brought his fingers up to brush against your clit. In truth, he was barely touching you, but that seemed to be enough. You clamped your hand down over your mouth and fisted your other hand in the sleeping bag as you started to writhe. It felt like fire was burning from the soles of your feet up through your calves and in between your thighs. Your stomach began to knot when Kylo applied more pressed and you jerked your hips upwards instinctually when he probed your entrance with two fingers. You let out a moan that was half sob then as you watched him.

Kylo thrust his fingers into you fully and you snapped back against the ground, your back arching and your toes curling. He dropped down on top of you, fingers pumping in and out of you at a steady pace and he pulled his hand away from your mouth so that he could replace it with his lips.

"You're so fucking sensitive, so fucking wet," he groaned into your mouth, "Just like last time."

His husky voice stoked the fire burning through your body and you thrust back against his hand in tandem, lips pulling at his. You were vaguely aware of the way you were pulling at him-his hair, his neck, his arms, his back. You searched for some way to cling to him, to hold on to him and keep him anchored with you for as long as possible.

It felt different this time, having him above you, a barrier between you and the rest of the world. It was starting to scare you how much you were beginning to feel aside from the physical. Kylo pulled away just enough to lock gazes as he watched you come, the way your lips parted as you let out a silent cry while your body shook and you tightened your grip on his shoulder and pulled at his hair in order to steady yourself while the rest of you spasmed uncontrollably.

You were both breathing heavily, chests heaving, and Kylo fell beside you on the sleeping bag. You combed your hair out of your face and focused on trying to catch your breath. You could feel him watching you, but it didn't bother you. Somehow, having him watch you when you were this wrecked, made you feel incredibly special. You turned your head to stare back at him, but your gaze caught on the bulge in his swim trunks and you sat up.

You shot him a questioning glance and felt a small jolt of irritation as he only looked at you with that unreadable expression of his. You raised a challenging eyebrow at him as you reached for him and the corner of his mouth twitched in response as his gaze narrowed in interest and curiosity. This felt like some sort of test. For what, you weren't sure. But you didn't let that deter you.

Kylo continued to watch you as you worked his pants down off his hips, propping himself up on his elbows when you simply stared at him. You'd seen your fair share of cocks in arthouse movies and the pornos you'd watched once or twice out of curiosity. But this was the first time you'd actually seen one up close and it was...strange. And intimidating and you were very much at a loss as to what your next move should be. You could tell by the mild tilt to his head that he was beginning to connect the dots and your cheeks began to heat up in embarrassment. Still, he didn't say anything, which you were so very thankful for.

Still, you'd never seen one before and your first thought was to that it was too big. There was too much of it and you weren't sure how you could do enough with it to-nevermind that. Cautiously, you reached out for him. Though it was large in size, it still looked sensitive and delicate, like you should be careful with it lest you somehow end up hurting him. Vaguely, you knew you were overthinking things, but you couldn't help it. This is was very overwhelming. Just as you managed to make contact with the palm of your hand-it was smoother than you'd expected-it twitched and you actually jumped, jerking your hand back to cradle it against your chest.

Kylo expelled a huge huff of air from his chest and you whipped your head around to look at him. His dark eyes were alight and dancing with mirth and you tried not to pout at him for finding your predicament so amusing. Just as you started to scowl at him, he took hold of your right hand gently in his own and squeezed it before letting go and reclining fully. You blinked in surprise as you watched him fling one arm over his eyes. He made no move to cover himself up and it took you a moment to fully understand what he was doing. Heat flooded your cheeks again, but not from embarrassment.

Kylo was trying to make you feel more comfortable and he was giving control of the situation over to you. It was incredibly thoughtful and completely out of character for him. You bent over him and gave him a firm kiss on the lips as thanks, which he reciprocated immediately.

You turned your attention back to his still straining member. Its normally pale skin was flushed bright pink and his head was leaking pre-cum. You bit your lip and steadied your breathing while trying to ignore the way your heart was hammering. What if you were bad at whatever it was you getting ready to do? What if you were too rough? What if you weren't rough enough? Should you ask him? Maybe you should have paid more attention to that porn you'd watched instead of focusing on how unrealistic it was.

_I can totally do this. I can do this for sure. No problem, I just have to...touch him_ , you thought as you reached your hand out and then snatched it back before you finally decided to squeeze your own eyes shut and just go for it. Smooth and soft and warm. That was your first thought as you peeked open your eyes one by one. You chanced a glance over to Kylo and noticed he'd balled both his hands into fists. Had you done something wrong, you wondered blinking back at your hand which was now wrapped around his shaft. Was your grip too tight?

"A-are you okay," you asked hesitantly. The muscle in his jaw twitched and he pressed his arm down harder over his eyes. "I'm fine," he gritted out. His adam's apple bobbed up and down thickly and he mumbled out in reluctance, "Please don't stop."

You adjusted your grip and pumped your hand up and down once, pausing when he took in a ragged breath and his abs contracted. Feeling a bit of your confidence return, you pumped your hand over him once more and then moved your attention to his head, swirling pre-cum down over the tip.

"Oh, fuck," he moaned as his hips jerked up under your hand and that was all the encouragement you seemed to need. You swung your leg over him, settling on his thighs as you started to work him at a leisurely pace, and you leaned over him to press your free hand over his mouth. That surprised him enough that he moved his own arm away from his face to look at you with raised eyebrows.

"And you give me shit for being too loud. Careful, Ren, you don't want anyone knowing I have my hands on your cock right now do you?" Hot air hit your fingers as he took shallow breaths through his nose and they were coming in and out in short pants as you increased your pace. His gaze flitted down to zero in on your hand stroking him before he let his head fall back against the pillow beneath him.

Slowly you pulled your hand away from his mouth and slid further down until you were eye level with his cock. He'd already tasted you, and, you were curious. Plus, you really wanted to. The idea of it, something that before whenever you'd discussed such things with Rey (which was rarely) had always repulsed you, now you felt almost compelled to. Bending down, you flicked your tongue over his tip, right across the slit and Kylo sprang up, biting his lip to keep from moaning as he watched your lips envelope the head of his cock in the warm wetness of your mouth.

The way he whispered your name as he carefully wove his fingers through your hair wrenched your heart painfully in response and you fought to keep from looking at him. You just knew, that if you looked at him in that moment, something would change for you and you weren't ready for that. Instead, you focused on the way his hips were rocking upward as you bobbed your head up and down his length. His thready sighs filled the tent and spurred you on until you felt his cock begin to pulse in your mouth and you had to slap his hand away when he tried to pull your head away. You sucked harder until he spilled himself into your mouth and you had a hard time swallowing around his girth. Some of his cum dribbled out the corner of your mouth and down your chin as you finally pulled away from him of your own accord. You looked up at him then, as you wiped at your chin and licked the rest of his release from your fingertips thoughtlessly. Kylo was staring at you with wide eyes and you couldn't recall ever seeing him look so bewildered and at a loss for how to react to something.

His breathing was still erratic and his hair was in disarray; you couldn't resist reaching up to try and smooth it out. You needed something to try and distract you from the way he was looking at you now, face full of disbelief and something else that was just too much for you to try and identify. It was hard having him react to you like this, so different from how he normally did and you flinched when he grabbed your hand and pulled it away from his hair. He ignored it and tugged you down to lay beside him. Kylo wrapped his arms around you and you fought to keep yourself from leaning up to kiss the underside of his chin, but to no avail. Mentally, you berated yourself until you felt his hand begin to glide up and down your back in a soothing manner and he pressed a light kiss of his own in your hair.

Your heart continued to thunder in your chest and you could feel his doing the same. You were both scared of whatever this was turning into and you only had each other to look to for comfort. Neither of you spoke for the rest of the night though you both stayed wide awake.

* * *

If there was anything to break you from your inner musings and downward spiral into emotional insanity, it was the giant, black monstrosity sitting beside the sorority girls' campsite. You'd gotten up just before dawn, having never quite found sleep, and you were nursing a thermos of shitty travel-coffee clad in your oversized hoodie and sweatpants that felt a little too tight in the ass (that may just have been your imagination because your underwear fit _fine_ ) and your hair was a veritable bird's nest piled high on your head in the sloppiest bun manageable. You could hear rustling from the general vicinity of your tent, which made your heart stop and then pound like a jack-hammer and you definitely would have tried to fix your hair enough to not look like you were an absolute horror to wake up to in the morning, but you couldn't look away.

Seriously. Watching that Hummer rock back and forth like there was a localized earthquake directly underneath it was, up until now, the most entertaining thing you'd experienced all summer if you didn't count blowing your sister's boyfriend the night before. You brought your hands up to your lips and rubbed at them. They were still numb, but that could be because you'd blown him again not even three hours ago.

You felt him approach rather than heard him and you brought the thermos up to your mouth to steady your nerves. Going down on Kylo had definitely changed your view of him. Maybe it was because you were now more of an active party in this affair rather than passive as you had been before.

"Am I really seeing what I think I'm seeing?"

You didn't even try to look away from the swaying vehicle as you hummed out an affirmation. "It was already going when I came out a half hour ago and it hasn't stopped once."

"Dameron's got stamina," he observed casually, plucking the thermos from your hands. He gulped down a healthy mouthful and passed it back, neither of you looking away from the Hummer. "You really are a good wingman."

"To be fair, Poe doesn't need a wingman," you demurred, "He's very charming on his own."

"You think so?" There was an edge to his voice and you knew you needed to tread carefully, but you weren't sure why. You gave a shrug. "I've seen him in action. But he likes having me step in because it helps his game having a girl vouch for him. Plus, he still has a tendency to be a little obvious about his intentions."

"He's not the most subtle person, I suppose," Kylo relented and you could feel him side-eying you as if he were looking for something, something only he would know to look for. You scoffed at that. "The guy wears his heart on his sleeve in most cases, but when it comes to romance, the ones he's actually serious about, you'd never know what's going on in his head until it's over and done with. Now, Finn, he's the open book."

"Yeah, I can smell the desperation on him," he agreed rudely, and you elbowed him weakly. He smirked in response and pinched your side before swiping the thermos out of your hand a second time. Your mouth dropped open and you lowered your brows in aggravation as you watched him drain the rest of its contents. Still smirking, he grabbed you around the waist and hauled you up against his chest, his mouth coming down firmly on yours in a smacking kiss. He pulled away just enough to speak. "I'll make something to eat. What do you want?"

Well, you couldn't tell him because your brain was now fried. He was being uncharacteristically affectionate. What the fuck was that about? You were absolutely baffled and all you could manage was a very articulate "Uhhh..."

"Grilled cheese?"

"Okay?"

He smacked another kiss against your lips and then your cheek before he pulled away from you. You jumped nearly a foot in the air when he slapped you on the ass before turning and leaving. As you rubbed your abused backside, watching as he sauntered away, you wondered at what in the hell he thought he was doing? Did getting a couple of blowjobs really put Kylo Ren Solo in that good of a move? Was he just trying out a new way to piss you off and confuse you? It was freaking you out. And also, kind of, turning you on at the same time. Which was frustrating on both counts.

You were further dumbstruck when not ten minutes later, he brought your thermos back full of coffee. "Thanks," you managed to stutter out as he walked back to the campfire and squatted down to continue cooking. You turned back toward the still rocking Hummer, and bit your lip to keep from laughing. The windows were fogged up. Another ten minutes and Kylo approached you again, handing you one of the grilled cheeses he was holding and the pair of you watched in silence as you ate, handing the thermos back and forth between the two of you.

"I'm surprised they're still going," he told you finally. You shook your head. "I don't know how she's going to be able to walk without crying after this."

You were still eating your grilled cheeses-he'd made two more-when the Hummer finally stopped rocking and the back door opened a couple minutes later. The first out was the redhead, who staggered on unsteady legs, falling halfway into the door as she tried to find her footing. You took a bite of your grilled cheese and chewed it slowly as you watched her almost waddle her way toward her tent while she tried to comb out her hair. Kylo elbowing you in the arm had you look back toward the Hummer. "Holy shit."

Next was the blonde you couldn't stand that had been all over Kylo the day before. She didn't look any better off than her redheaded friend. "We should have gotten Rey's camera for this."

Kylo inadvertently snorted at your words and it was loud enough to draw the blonde's attention. You bit your lips to keep from laughing as she tried to stand up a bit straighter and he face flushed puce. Kylo started to snicker beside you and you turned your head to bury it in his shirt sleeve as you felt yourself begin to fall apart right along with him. While the blonde stomped off toward her tent you caught her wincing every few paces and couldn't help but feel a bit sorry for her.

Poe was the third one out, much more put together and looking as bright eyed as ever. He gave you both a cheery wave and the loud laugh that burst out of your mouth was wholly surprising. You shoved one corner of your grilled cheese into your mouth to keep from laughing anymore as you watched Poe tug on his jacket and swagger toward you.

He threw his arms out wide as he looked up at your companion. "Ren, man, I gotta thank you. None of that would have been possible if you hadn't shot down Kim."

"You're welcome," Kylo said drily, as he shook Poe's outstretched hand and allowed the shorter man to slap him on the back. He looked so uncomfortable with the physical contact and you found it incredibly adorable and inexplicably hot. If only you could drag him back into the tent. You stuffed the rest of your food in your mouth to keep from letting out a childish sigh of annoyance. "Adorable" and "hot" weren't really adjectives you would have ever thought to describe him with a week ago, but now, you were very much trying to understand why you never had. Especially, considering you'd once thought Ben was adorable and hot and Kylo was _at least_ a thousand times better looking in your opinion.

You blinked stupidly at the ground. Where the hell was all this coming from? Sure, Kylo wasn't that bad of a friend even though his conversational skills were definitely lacking and you definitely enjoyed messing around with him, but that didn't mean much, did it? It wasn't something that was going to last passed the summer and even if he said he didn't care about Lila and he was done with her, that didn't mean anything. Saying and doing were two different things in your book. And didn't it sort of say something about him, that he was effectively sleeping with you when he was still technically with Lila? He said this wasn't his way of retaliating, but what if he were lying because he didn't want you to put an end to whatever this was? He was getting just as much, if not more, out of sneaking around with you. What guy wouldn't say whatever it took to keep from having to give that up?

You glanced up at him from under your eyelashes as the three of you walked over to the campfire and you studied him surreptitiously as you sipped your coffee. He was squatting next to the fire, cooking more grilled cheese as he half-listened to Poe brag about what had just gone down in the back of the Hummer. Kylo nodded politely along with him at all the right moments, but you could tell he really only cared about whether or not he'd end up burning the food he was preparing.

Wouldn't most guys want to high-five their pseudo-friend in congratulations for the awesome threesome they had? Shouldn't he be the least bit curious? Didn't most guys care more about sex than anything else? Kylo, obviously did. He'd put the moves on your pretty fast, hadn't he?

It felt wrong, trying to pick him apart for this like you weren't also to blame. Lila may have been cheating on him, but did that mean she deserved to have him cheat on her with her own sister? What if it was because Kylo never paid attention to her anymore? Not that that was a valid reason, but what if there were serious flaws in their relationship that forced her to turn to Ben for advice on how to approach the situation, or seek comfort and things had snowballed from there?

And Ben. Now that you weren't as angry, you could now acknowledge the appeal being with someone like Lila held for him. Ben had always been the ganglier of the pair and while he was outgoing and kind, he was as socially awkward as Kylo. He had a strange sense of humor that most people couldn't quite understand and he tended to get shy and embarrassed easily. How often has his ears turned red and his face flushed red in embarrassment when the two of you were having a casual conversation? How many conventionally attractive girls had overlooked him in the past? Who was to say Lila hadn't finally seen what you had once upon a time seen yourself and just gone for it?

How was what you and Kylo doing any less worse than what they were doing? And there weren't even any feelings involved. It was purely physical. He didn't try to spend more time with you, talk to you, learn more about you. The only time he actively sought you out was when he wanted to be alone with you so he could get his hands on you and satisfy whatever sexual urges he had at the moment. He was using you and you didn't even know why you were letting him. Sure, you enjoyed the encounters, but why him? Why not someone else? Anyone else? Shouldn't you want this with someone who gave an actual dam about you outside of the proverbial bedroom? Something was very wrong with you. There had to be a reason you were letting this happen.

You turned away from your internal musings to go sit in your chair and stopped short. Your chair was significantly closer to Kylo's than it had been earlier this morning. The distance, which had been at least two feet was now mere inches. Poe was just coming back from his illicit rendezvous, so it wasn't him. Rey and Finn were still sleeping. You certainly hadn't done it. That only left one person. You glanced over your shoulder at him. He was handing off two sandwiches to Poe. What the fuck was Kylo playing at now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter than I's like, but I thought it ended at a good spot. Also, I hope the smut was good? Don't be afraid to tell me what you liked or didn't. Incoming comment bomb now that I have time to respond. Muahahaha!


	7. Your Hand in His

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For you, it's no longer just the physical you're interested in, even if you don't quite understand it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, guys I am so sorry. Everyone in my house has been sick for almost a full month. It won't fucking go away. I've been coughing so much that I've lost my voice four or five times in the past week alone. I count myself lucky because I'm the only one who hasn't thrown up, so, yay! Anyway, because of that, I've pretty much not wanted to do anything besides sleep. Seriously. Walking from the bedroom to the bathroom is like trying to climb Everest for me. It sucks. So, I've had this sitting around, fully edited (as good as it's gonna get) with like two paragraphs of chapter 8 written and then re-written. And I've been seriously upset that I haven't updated like I want to or written like I want to. But I feel better tonight so, I'm gonna update with this chapter and then spend some time writing the next. 
> 
> I'm so sorry I got the blacklung and didn't update sooner. I'm a dumpsterfire of a human being right now and I apologize.

Somehow, the redheaded co-ed, Lindsey, was now a de facto part of your small circle of friends. Only Rey seemed to have as much trouble as you when it came to coping with this change in the group dynamic. You were both still suspicious, but you were starting to get an inkling of what was going on with how closely she stuck to Poe. There seemed be a genuine attraction there, which you were perfectly fine with. But you didn't trust her. Poe was acting the same way about her that he had with Claudia in the beginning and that hadn't panned out well for him.

But you were willing to give her the benefit of the doubt-for now.

As it was, after your breakfast, in which you'd spent the entire time trying to figure out why Kylo had moved your chair closer to his, it was time to go back to the picnic area for swimming. There was an unspoken agreement between you and Rey that the tire-swing was to be kept secret. The pair of you broke off immediately and went to your secluded hideout spot. You helped Rey set up her camera and took turns jumping onto the swing and diving into the water. It was fun and you felt much more carefree than you had for the past year.

You were sitting on the dirt-packed overhang when you felt someone drop down beside you. "You're right. They are annoying."

You couldn't resist smiling at his agitated tone. "Oh, did the rest of them show up?"

His lip curled up in distaste and grumbled out. "Yes."

You leaned forward, resting your hand beside his on the ground as your smile morphed into a smirk. "Why are you only now getting annoyed about them being around?"

His eyes cut to you momentarily before looking back down toward Rey, who was so busy treading water back and forth, that she hadn't yet noticed their presence. "I was putting up with them because Finn and Poe seem to like having them around and...and they're your friends."

You must have looked surprised because he narrowed his eyes at you and snarled at you as he shifted away the barest bit. "What? I thought you didn't mind the attention? Didn't one of them give you her number back at the gas station?"

"I threw it in the trash before we left," he snapped, and you were having a hard time grasping why he was being so defensive about this. And why was he suddenly so angry with you? You tried to brush aside the hurt and confusion that flashed through you and lowered your gaze toward the water. How were you supposed to know that would be a topic he was touchy about? But hadn't conversation with Kylo always been akin to playing a game of Russian Roulette?

You snatched your hand away from where it sat beside his on the dirt-packed ground and subtly shifted so that you were facing the barest bit away from him.

"Is everything okay?"

You looked up and out toward Rey, who was watching the both of you, her gaze scrutinizing and only slightly accusing as she watched Kylo with her sharp eyes. He drew himself up, eying her back challengingly, but made no move to speak. You shot to your feet, unwilling to watch whatever power-struggle they were engaging in. There was something unnerving about the way they did that sort of thing with others, but to watch them trying to do so to one another simultaneously was nearly frightening. You were close to backing away a step or two when the harsh look on Rey's face seemed to soften almost uncharacteristically as she continued to regard Kylo. She flicked her gaze up to you and then back to him, the thoughtful look on her face becoming increasingly worrisome to you.

And Kylo was now staring at the water. You fell back down beside him, unsure of what had just occurred, but unwilling to leave him looking so...vulnerable. Your fingers twitched when they brushed his, but you didn't pull away. You wanted him to know you would be there for him in any sort of way he needed, even if neither of you were sure what way that was and it was very likely he wouldn't want it. But that's what friends were for, right? You almost jumped when his pinkie finger brushed up against yours and his hand shifted closer to yours. He curled his pinkie finger around yours and you felt your cheeks flush hot then cold with something that felt on the verge of exhilaration.

Rey had no problems showing you her back as she went back to treading water in wide circles that grew in size until she was disappearing down the shoreline and off toward Poe and Finn. The silence between the pair of you became so stifling it was almost hard for you to breathe and your body was beginning to burn with uncertainty and self-doubt. But Kylo moving his entire hand to rest on top of yours gave you the courage to open your mouth and speak, even if your voice was still muted.

"I wasn't trying to upset you by asking that," you managed thickly, coughing at the end when your throat began to close up over a painful knot. You lifted your hand and crossed your arm over your chest to scratch at your right shoulder, keeping it there to subconsciously protect yourself from whatever it was he was causing you to feel in that moment. It was frightening and you didn't understand it, even if it did feel painfully good. Why did it feel like you'd disappointed him in some way? What was there for him to be disappointed about?

"I'm not upset," was his quick retort, which you didn't trust at all. You must have looked as lost as you felt because Kylo reacted to your own vulnerable state in the way he always had in the past: he attacked you. You watched with wide eyes as Kylo climbed to his feet, outright glowering you as he loomed dark and furious over you. "You accuse me of playing games with you and you're doing this?" He turned away momentarily, accidentally jostling the tripod nearby and you watched as he steadied it effortlessly, though he didn't bother to fix the camera that was now sitting at an angle, facing off toward the trees rather than the water.

It was forgotten once he'd taken his hand off of it though. You were having too much trouble trying to work what he'd said over in your head, trying to understand where you'd gone wrong in trying to strike up a conversation with him.

His biting words left you even more at a loss. You knew there was no hidden meaning there, but you couldn't quite grasp what it was that had him so angry with you. And that only seemed to make him even more volatile. He brought both hands up to rake them through his hair as he began to curse in audible frustration. "You're so willfully dense sometimes, you know that?" It wasn't said as hatefully as it could have been, but it was enough to make you retreat further into yourself and you resolved not to open your mouth and give in to the need to verbally attack him the way he was you. The effort it took to restrain yourself was causing your eyes to begin to tear up in frustration. Why was being around him so emotionally exhausting?

"Don't even start that," he ground out, clenching his hands into fists, "you can't turn this around on me. You're the one who got pissed at me for acting like I don't give a shit about what's going on between us and then here you are the next day acting the very same way. You're insufferable. You know that?"

"If I'm so terrible, then why don't you stay the fuck away from me and keep your hands off me," you shot back, scrambling to your own feet in order to square off with him properly. You rubbed at your right hand with bruising firmness. It fell inexplicably cold without Kylo's there to warm it. You watched as his jaw clenched and his eyebrows drew down over his blackened eyes even further. But you wouldn't be bullied into submission. "I only asked because I couldn't figure out why you'd even pretend to be interested if you weren't. I was curious. Sue me for be interested in knowing!"

"It should be fairly obvious that if I was interested in one of them, I'd have fucked them the first night they were here." You knew the words were true. But it didn't explain his anger now. And you didn't become aware of the way he'd been backing you up until the bark of the nearest tree bit into your back and you fought to keep on glaring up at him even as he towered over you like something dark and dangerous and much too irresistible. He braced one hand on the tree, just above your head and began to lean down as you flattened yourself up against the tree. "If I want to fuck someone, I'm going to fuck them. Do you understand?"

Your throat had dried up at the dark, gravelly tone of his voice and the way it had your entire body growing hot. You instantly knew where this was heading. He was going to start touching you soon and what was worse, _you wanted him to_. It was smart on his part, that he didn't give you much time to come to grips with his insinuation as he slammed his mouth down upon yours and his hateful, angry words were suddenly erased by his lips and his tongue.

When he pulled away just enough for the two of you to breathe, you gave him a weak punch to the center of his chest. "You're so frustrating," you managed to mumble, even though most of it was garbled when he brushed his lips against yours in a kiss that was much softer than anything you expected of him when he was this irritated with you. You blinked in surprise when his lips curved up in a barely there smile as he kissed you again and again. Somehow, your hands had worked their way into his soft hair and your fingers were now clutching at the ends as you cupped his face in your palms. When had you decided that doing something so intimate was appropriate?

"And you're unnecessarily combative," he told you, his tone matter-of-fact, the corners of his mouth twisted up into the vague semblance of a smile. He didn't try to pull away from you and his eyes, though still dangerously dark, still managed to seem a couple shades brighter than usual. You wanted to be mad at him-you weren't sure _why_ you wanted that-but it was so very hard to concentrate on your anger when he kept kissing you as he held you up against himself, practically cradled against his chest by his strong arms. It made you feel special and that was a dangerous thing to be feeling, but you couldn't stop it. And you wondered, did you make him feel special? Did you make him feel whatever it was that kept drawing you to him continuously? It was something you found yourself secretly hoping for and dreading all at once.

"You're awful," you declared sullenly, finally surrendering, and you hooked your elbows up onto his broad shoulders, your thumbs brushing over his pale cheeks. He scoffed at your pitiful insult and simply held you for long enough that it should have felt awkward with how intently you were staring at one another. But it was oddly comforting and it made you feel like you mattered. It made you feel like what you felt mattered. Was he trying to memorize your face, your micro-expressions in the same way you were trying to memorize his? Why was it you wanted to remember this? It felt like the pair of you were coming to some unspoken understanding that was momentous and would affect the pair of your far into the future. How much was this going to change for the pair of you? How much would it destroy and why were you both so keen to let it?

"I don't understand this." You were tired of trying to make sense of anything on your own and the only person who could understand even a fraction of what you were trying to come to terms with and reason out, was Kylo. You needed to talk to someone about this, even if it ruined everything. His arms tightened around you. "We're hurting people."

"That doesn't matter." The sense of finality to his words was a relief to you, but it didn't stop you from asking your next question. "But what if it ends up hurting us?"

"It won't." You pulled away to look at him. He looked as serious and confident as always. You weren't feeling quite so "combative" anymore. The way he was looking at you, the surety of his words, made you feel like, for the time being, everything was going to be okay. You let yourself fall back against the tree as you looked up at him. You still found him intimidating-but for entirely different reasons now. Reasons you weren't ready to confront. Not right then, anyway. You cut your eyes over toward the water and then smirked up at him. "I bet you can't jump onto the tire swing."

When he rolled his eyes at you, you couldn't stop yourself from grinning. He let out a long-suffering sigh. "I'm not doing that."

"What's wrong," you goaded teasingly as you poked him in his abdomen. "Are you allergic to fun, Ren?"

"No, just stupidity."

"If I go, will you go?"

"Peer pressure doesn't work on me," he informed you with that air of superiority he tended to exude and it was your turn to roll your eyes. "Oh, come on. There's nobody else here. It's just me and you." When your argument didn't hold any sway, you turned away from him. "Suit yourself."

You ran to the edge and jumped. This time, you managed to hit your target as intended and you let out a loud victory cry in celebration as the tire swing swayed back and forth beneath you. You turned back toward Kylo to grin triumphantly at him only to be met by nothing. He was nowhere in sight. You scanned the treeline in confusion, nervousness balling in your gut. Had you upset him with your teasing? Did he think you were being critical of him when it was only a bit of friendly jesting? You rubbed at your breastbone subconsciously. There was a sudden, lancing sting of pain in your heart at the notion that you weren't as close to him as you'd thought. Would it be a good idea to apologize to him, make sure you hadn't really meant anything by it?

Just as you'd resolved to do just that, there was a loud splash as something shot out of the water behind you, grabbed you around the middle and pulled you back into the water. You hit the water, screaming as you went, even as it registered in your mind that you were very much familiar with your assailant. You wiggled around in his arms to smack him in the shoulder as he held you afloat. "Kylo!"

His facial expression was entirely too smug for your liking, but it did nothing to keep you from blushing at how close his face was to yours as he all but grinned at you. He let out a low chuckle and squeezed you closer as he continued to kick his legs to keep the both of you afloat. You let out an exasperated puff of air as you draped your arms around his neck. "God, you're so pleased with yourself, aren't you?"

He merely continued to smirk at you, amusement flashing in his dark eyes as he stared at you. "Of course. I've never heard someone scream that loudly before."

Even as you rolled your eyes at him, you couldn't suppress the small smile that fought its way onto your lips which caused you to giggle only a little bit. Something in Kylo's expression softened, causing your breathing to hitch as the two of you openly stared at one another. The urge to kiss him then was overwhelming and you brought your lips up against his, kissing him deeply. As you pulled away, he nuzzled the side of your nose with his own and brushed some of your hair away from your face. It made your heart flutter in your chest and where once before, you'd been able to ignore it and remain unmoved, you couldn't help but peck him on the lips. The overwhelming sense of exhilaration was back full-force and your body was crackling with it.

The way he was being with you now, was so unlike how he was with you in the past-unlike how he was with anyone-and it was intoxicating, having him pay attention to you in this uncharacteristically soft way. You gave no thought to resisting it and it was much easier to accept such affections regardless of whether it was feigned or genuine. You wanted to enjoy whatever this was, rather than question and doubt it as you did everything else in your life. It felt so easy, shouldn't it be easy? No matter how this ended for you, was it really such a bad thing to enjoy it while you could? It felt like it could be worth any amount of pain you may feel in the future.

"It looks like it's going to rain soon." His voice sounded small and oddly muted in the tiny breadth of space between you. You tightened your hold on him, reluctant to let go. "Think we should head back?"

"It's probably best if we wash the lake water off before we're trapped in out tent."

You sighed in irritation. Damn him and his logic. You nodded in agreement and the two of you swam to shore. Kylo helped you climb up the shore and you dismantled Rey's tripod, which Kylo pried from your hands and folded up, resting it up against his shoulder. You tilted the camcorder up toward your face, frowning as you stared at the small array of buttons that weren't marked clearly enough for you. Annoyed, you snapped the viewing screen closed. "Screw it, I'll just give it back to Rey and have her figure it out. It's been running all day, so the battery's probably about dead."

Clutching it in your left hand, you followed Kylo toward the path leading back toward the picnic area. You couldn't help blinking in surprise when he took your hand in his own and your gaze drifted down to your linked hands, fingers entwined. Your heart began to beat faster and you felt your cheeks begin to flush.

"Just so you know," you managed to say, sounding nonchalant, which was a complete relief, "your grilled cheese is better than Poe's."

Kylo, who had tilted his head to glance at you over his shoulder the moment you began to speak, almost smiled at your words. "Of course it is."

"Jesus, Ren, would it kill you to show some humility once in a while," you asked, but your words were playful and you wouldn't know what to say or do if he actually had tried to be humble about it. He graced you with one of his rare grins as he continued to look at you. "If you want me to make more for you, all you have to do is ask."

"Really," you hummed out, lost in your own thoughts. You couldn't help but wonder if Kylo was in the habit of cooking for people as a friendly gesture. He'd helped cook for everyone that morning, but maybe that was because the two of you happened to be the first ones up. "What about burgers? Are you any good at those?"

"Is this you asking because you actually want to try one or are you just asking?"

"Both."

"Guess I'll grill tonight if it doesn't rain too long." He tilted his head up toward the heavens. "But it doesn't too much like this is going to be a small storm."

"That's okay. I stashed a couple bags of jerky in our tent." You had stashed them because you'd fully expected to end up hating the trip and spending most of your time huddled in the tent trying to avoid Kylo, but now you were starting to wish it was just the two of you out here on your own.

"You hid food in our tent?" He sounded so amused by that and you felt your blush become more prominent. "Yeah, but everyone else has food stashed in their tent. Pretty sure Poe gorges himself on Butterfingers every night."

Your eyes widened in surprise when Kylo laughed at that. "Yeah, he bought two boxes of them back at the gas station."

"Two whole boxes?" You couldn't fathom trying to eat that many candy bars, even over the course of multiple sittings. Especially Butterfingers. They made your teeth ache whenever you tried to finish even one. Your nose wrinkled in mild disgust as you skipped up a couple steps to keep up with Kylo's long strides. "That's disgusting."

"I prefer Milky Ways," Kylo admitted. A sudden memory of being five-years-old, screaming bloody murder in your ballerina costume while you clutched your tutu as Kylo and Ben scuffled on the Organa-Solo front porch flashed to the fore-front and you inhaled sharply. "So, you really did steal all Ben's Milky Ways that Halloween! You little shit!"

You swung your hand, still clutched in his, against his side, where it bumped his hip fairly hard. Kylo turned to look at you, eyebrows raised clear into his hairline as he looked at you in open incredulity. "I can't believe you remember that."

"Of course, I do! I tried to break you two up and ended up getting shoved to the ground. I got grass stains all over my knees-"

"And then you started crying and Dad came out and had to pull me off Ben before I gave him two black eyes instead of one," he finished for you. You smiled, as you recalled the way Kylo had kept swinging his arms, punching at the air as he kicked his feet and tried to wrench free of his father's grasp as Han staggered back. You'd never seen Kylo so angry before and you'd fully believed him when he'd said he hadn't stolen the candy because why else would he have been so enraged? "You really whaled on him."

He gave you a sort of half-shrug in response and his expression slipped into something more guarded. "Yeah, well...he was the one who shoved you."

"Oh." You'd said it so quietly you weren't even sure you'd said anything at all. You could feel the awkward tension beginning to creep in and you didn't want it to ruin the levity of your interactions any further so you blurted the first thing that came to mind as you clutched his hand a bit more tightly in your own. "Well, if you ever want to make me feel better, just share your pilfered goods with me."

"You really think I like you enough to share my Milky Ways with you?" All was right with the world again. You sneered up at him in faux disgust. "Well, now that I know you're nothing more than a glorified criminal mastermind, I demand a cut of the take. Unless you want me to go and blab to everyone that you enjoy stealing candy from small children."

"I was also a small child when this alleged crime took place." The upward curve of his lips told you he was willing to play along and it took serious effort not to giggle.

"Career criminals often start out young," you told him, your tone mockingly serious, "what other deep, dark, devious secrets are you hiding from me, Ren?"

"Where's the fun in my telling you?" he asked as you both emerged from the pathway. He was no longer looking at you, but at the picnic tables. "Well, it looks like we got left behind."

"You should steal their shit in retaliation."

"We already have Rey's camera and tripod, so we're off to a good start."

"You can have all of Poe's Butterfingers. But I want his jacket."

The pair of you sauntered along at a leisurely pace down the trail leading to your campsite. Kylo looked down at you. "We need a place to stash all our loot. Keeping it in our tent would be too obvious."

"We can put it in one of the coolers and then bury it. I'll draw us a treasure map so we can dig it up later."

"So, we're pirates now?"

"Yes. And since you're the criminal mastermind in this endeavor, you're captain." You looked up at him, studying his face thoughtfully. "Captain Kylo sounds stupid. Commander Ren sounds much more intimidating though. You should go by that."

"And what should we call you," he asked, squeezing your hand lightly to garner a response. You sniffed indelicately and said, "I don't care so long as I'm first-mate."

Your campsite was just ahead and as it finally came into view, you felt Kylo's hand slip from your grasp and your stomach dropped at the overwhelming sense of disappointment and loss you felt. Sure, logically, you knew that this was something you needed to hide from the others, but you were starting to feel guilty not because the two of you together was morally wrong, but because you felt like, by hiding whatever this was, you were somehow saying you were ashamed of him and of yourself. _I should feel ashamed. I **was** ashamed. What's changed now?_

You watched Kylo as he walked away from you, toward the campsite, where your three friends we gathered around, putting things up in preparation for the impending rainstorm. You let out a depressed sigh and followed after him, your steps much heavier and slower than usual. Rey smiled up at you from where she was crouched over, stuffing drinks and snacks into one of the coolers and you held your hand out toward her in order to return the camcorder. She took it from you with a small '"Thank You" and placed it in her bag, which you now noticed was sitting on the ground not far of from where she'd been crouching.

"It's supposed to storm pretty badly, so we decided to load up the cars. We might have to cut this leg of the trip short."

You nodded in understanding. "I'll go to start packing up the tent then. I assume we're going back to the cabin?"

She nodded and then scowled over at you. "Poe's talking about inviting 'the girls' to come crash with us."

It was a good thing you weren't holding anything because you would have dropped it just then. "Oh, Dear God, no! Where the hell is everyone supposed to sleep? The cabin's big, but it's not that big."

"Try telling that to Poe 'Horndog' Dameron."

You smacked your palm against your forehead in consternation. "I can't believe him."

Rey rolled her eyes heavenward and wrinkled her nose in open disgust. "I can. A bunch of pretty girls showering him and Ren with attention? Of course he's going to take full advantage of that."

You watched as Kylo helped Poe and Finn load up one of the cars with everything they'd managed to pack so far and then turned toward your tent. "I guess I'll go and start packing the tent up. How long's this storm supposed to last?"

"A couple of days at most, I think."

"Cool." You trudged over to your tent and crawled in, changing out of your swimsuit before you began to pack up your duffel bags and then started on Ren's, folding up his clothes and zipping up the bags. You set them outside the tent and then began to unzip the sleeping bags from one another. You rolled them up one by one and then set them atop the duffel bags outside the tent. After you gathered up the pillows, you carried them over to the vehicle you'd arrived in and threw them on the backseat, assuming you and Kylo would be relegated to the back once again. When you turned back, Kylo had the sleeping bags wedged under both arms and was carrying two duffels in each hand with little effort. It was an impressive show of strength and it would be a lie to say you weren't the least bit turned on by it and you definitely had a hard time pretending it didn't faze you in the least to see him performing such a mundane task. You decided to focus on dismantling your tent, scowling when your mind still kept drifting off toward images of Kylo shirtless. He'd redressed while you'd been talking to Rey, but you'd been with him all day while he was shirtless. Shouldn't that have been enough for you?

_No_ , your mind spat back rudely, as if insulted that you'd even think to argue such a point. You'd barely begun your task when the sky opened up and rain began to fall in fat droplets, soaking you in seconds. Kylo was by your side in an instant, hurling the sleeping bags back in the tent along with one of his duffels and a single pillow. "Get back in the tent."

You didn't need to be told twice as you practically threw yourself inside and Kylo followed a second later. You watched Kylo tug his duffel open and pull out a towel. He used it to wipe down the sleeping bags and any rainwater that had managed to get in the tent before he climbed in. Wordlessly, you helped him zip the sleeping bags back together and tried not to focus on how the cold rainwater that had managed to drench you was now leeching the heat from your bones.

Kylo gestured toward you with the towel. "Take your clothes off and dry off with this."

A day ago, you would have argued, but today was an entirely different matter. You took the towel from him and set it beside you as you peeled your clothes off piece by piece. They were soaked through and your skin broke out in goosebumps as your wet skin made contact with the cold air. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see Kylo doing the same as he periodically shook the rain from his hair.

Once you were done stripping out of your sodden clothes and toweling off, Kylo handed you one of his shirt, which you pulled on. You climbed into the sleeping bag and curled up into a ball, trying not to let your teeth chatter too loudly. Kylo climbed in beside you, clad only in a pair of boxers and opened his arms toward you. You gave no thought to cuddling into his embrace and wrapping your body around him like a creeper vine.

"Jesus fucking Christ," he bit out, voice harsh with alarm and discomfort, "your feet are like blocks of ice."

You broke out into raucous laughter and Kylo hugged you closer as he started to smile into your damp hair. You could stand being stuck in a tent with Kylo for a few more days. He made an excellent foot-warmer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully, this lived up to your expectations? I'm sorry if there's any mistakes I made. Feel free to bitch at me for it. I promise your bitching will still be a lot nicer than my mother's.

**Author's Note:**

> I appreciate any and all feedback. Even the negative! Thank you for reading


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